Eight-year-old Luisa’s mother and father take turns putting her to bed every night. They worked out their time-sharing arrangement because Luisa’s bedtime routine often lasts over three hours. First, Luisa needs lots of reminders to get ready for bed. Then, Luisa has to be supervised while she brushes her teeth. Finally, Luisa is in bed for story reading and lights out–except that Luisa will not let her parents leave her alone to fall asleep. She cries piteously that she is scared, she doesn’t like to be alone, she isn’t sleepy and she is afraid of bad dreams. Luisa’s mom and dad feel so helpless and they hate to see her frightened and upset, so they are willing to sit by their daughter every night and gently stroke her back until she falls asleep.

Every child will occasionally be afraid of something. Many children have scary dreams or experience a frightening moment when a large dog growls at them or someone in a mask jumps out unexpectedly.

A child will experience and respond to fear-provoking situations in different ways, depending on her basic temperament. Some children can be startled by something unexpected and then laugh. Other children exposed to the same experience will cling closely to their caregivers and cry loudly. Children with high sensory thresholds may find only very intense experiences startling or frightening. Children with low sensory thresholds may be more easily startled and feel frightened by almost every new or alarming experience.

Whatever a child’s temperament, however, she can learn to respond less fearfully and more confidently. Whether or not a child learns to overcome her fears and to gain faith in her ability to handle difficult situations depends in large part on how her parents coach her to respond. Children frequently look to their parents for cues about how to react in a given situation. If the parent treats the child as if she is not capable of handling her fear, the child will believe that her fears are bigger than she is. If, instead, the parent treats the child as a person who can feel frightened, yet still recover, the child is likely to believe that she is capable of overcoming her fears.

Watch, for instance, a little girl at the playground who falls from a swing and is frightened by the experience. If her parent looks alarmed and anxiously reassures her, "You’re not hurt…Don’t cry…Oh, that swing is dangerous…We won’t play on the swings any more!" the little girl cries even harder, and she feels more frightened, not less. Their little girl is learning that feeling frightened is a terrible experience. She also learns that when she feels frightened, she is a pitiful creature who needs others to comfort her.

On the other hand, what if her parent smiles warmly at her and says, "That was a big surprise, wasn’t it? You didn’t think that you’d fall down, did you? Would you like to sit here quietly until you feel better?" The child begins to learn she can be surprised, and even feel frightened, and still recover. With her mother’s coaching, she feels comforted, and she is beginning to learn how to calm her own fears.

Luisa’s mom sits very, very still as she strokes her daughter’s warm little back. Luisa has finally stopped chatting, and maybe…just maybe…she has fallen asleep. Mom’s hopes brighten…maybe she’ll have a few minutes tonight to read that new mystery novel she got for the holidays! As she slowly tries to stand up without jiggling the mattress, Luisa stiffens. "Mommy! Don’t leave me! I don’t want to be here alone!" Mom sighs and says resignedly, "Don’t worry sweetie, Mommy’s right here. Go to sleep…."

Sometimes children learn that their fears can be useful ways to get attention from their parents. All children like to have their parents’ focus and feel that they are important to them. There are many good ways to give a child positive attention, including frequent one-on-one play time. Giving a child attention by indulging her fears, however, can keep her dependent on others in the short term. Over the long term, she may learn that fearfulness is an excellent way to manipulate adults.

Luisa knows from experience that if she strikes just the right note of hopeless sadness in her cries, her parents will melt and do almost anything for her at bedtime. She really enjoys having the company of one of her parents at that time. She thinks it would probably be boring to have to just lie in bed by herself and think her own thoughts until she falls asleep. Just today, she and her friends were talking about that. Her friend Olivia said she goes to sleep–every night!–by herself in her own bed. Luisa told everyone that she thinks it’s much more fun to have her mother or father there with her for long cozy chats in the dark. Sometimes, Luisa admitted, she feels really sleepy, and it’s hard to stay awake. But she makes herself stay awake so that her mom or dad will stay with her a long, long time. She likes that a lot, as Luisa told her friends at the lunch table.

Every new stage in a child’s growth is a challenge for them to meet. Learning, growth and change all require courage. When children seem "stuck," it is often because they lack the courage, not the ability, to make the next leap.

Sometimes the best gift we can give our children is to show them we are confident that they have what it takes to do their own growing and learning. We can do that by expressing confidence both in what our children think they can do and in what they think they can’t do. We also show confidence–and respect–for our children by not treating them as less capable than they truly are. Discouraged children who actively resist becoming more age-appropriately independent need their parent’s confidence and encouragement the most.

Luisa cuddles with her mom and dad on the sofa, while they talk to her. Her dad says, "We think we have been treating you like a little girl, Luisa, and we forgot to notice how much you have grown up this year. We believe that you are old enough to relax and fall asleep by yourself."

That sounds good to Luisa, but she is suspicious. "I am more grown up, but I still want you to stay with me when I fall asleep. I get too scared by myself!" and she begins to cry.

"It will seem different at first, Luisa, but we believe you can do it," says her mother. "I like to spend time with you, too, and we will still have our special cuddling and talking times together. But at bedtime, I’ll kiss you goodnight, and then I plan to go downstairs."

"Why does it have to change? I like the old way of going to bed–I don’t think I can go to sleep by myself!" wails Luisa.

"That’s just the point, honey," says Dad. "You don’t think you can do it by yourself, because you have been depending on us to help you. We didn’t let you find out that you can do this by yourself."

"I’ll be scared," warns Luisa. "I’ll probably have nightmares!"

"That may be true," agrees Mom. "But you’re the kind of girl who used to be afraid to ride a bicycle, and you learned how to overcome that last summer. A girl who can teach herself not to be afraid of biking is the kind of girl who can figure out how to deal with nightmares. It’s hard work, but I believe you can do it!"

Luisa continues to sniffle but soon grows more quiet. This is confusing. On the one hand, she is mad that her mom and dad aren’t going to take care of her at bedtime anymore. On the other hand, they seem to think she can do it, and that she’s pretty smart, too! She has a lot to think about.

Emory Luce Baldwin is a family therapist with offices in Takoma Park and at the Family Encouragement Center in Kensington, Md. As a Certified Parent Educator, she teaches classes and workshops for the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP). She can be reached through her website, http://www.emorylucebaldwin.com.

PEP, the Parent Encouragement Program teaches classes to parents of children from birth through the teen years. On Wednesday, March 9, PEP will hold a workshop for parents of children ages 9 months to 7 years, "Addressing Difficult Behaviors with Emotion Coaching." Emotion coaching helps children to calm themselves, experience less stress in their lives and be better problem solvers. Contact PEP for more information on this or other PEP programs at www.ParentEncouragement.org.

Normalize the experience:

• Assure your child that all people are afraid of something.
• Teach your child that we all can, and do, proceed with things, even when we feel fearful.
• Rather than being overprotective, help your child become familiar and more comfortable with things that make her anxious or afraid.

Empower the fearful child:

• Offer opportunities to develop and demonstrate mastery in other areas of everyday life.
• Train her on handling powerful things–such as putting oil in the car, changing light bulbs or using adult tools.
• Give plenty of positive attention.

Shift the focus outside the child:

• Fearfulness is a kind of self-absorption. It is harder to be fearful when our thoughts are directed outside ourselves in constructive ways. Instead of "That barking dog is scary," think "I wonder whose dog that is--do they have children? Dogs are a lot of work, who feeds and walks it? Was it a cute puppy? What other kinds of pets do people have?"
• Encourage your child to do things for other people, particularly things that are a little challenging for her. (For example, having your child bake for and deliver to an elderly neighbor will help a child who is uncomfortable being with old people.)

Turn fears into fascinations:

• People often grow to be experts in areas that were scary or hard for them, such as physicians who, as children, were afraid of being hurt or Olympic athletes who overcame handicaps.

Help overcome fears of trying new things, making mistakes or being embarrassed:

• Be forgiving of your child’s mistakes.
• Turn mistakes into respectful learning experiences.
• Try new things together with your child.
• Model a willingness to try new things yourself and to persevere through your own mistakes.

Help overcome fears of scary things:

• Repeatedly express confidence that your child can handle the fear.
• Remind your child of fears from early childhood that no longer bother her or that she has learned to manage.
• Stress to your child her capabilities and competencies.
• Offer opportunities for your child to discuss, write or draw about her fear.
• Don’t be overly impressed with your child’s fears; don’t let her reactions cloud your judgment (remember that the active dog in the neighbor’s yard is not a child-eating ogre).