Before I had children, I imagined the kind of family I would have. In this fantasy family, my husband and I bathed our children in unconditional love and protected them from disappointment, hurt and loss. In turn, our children grew up to be charming and responsible adults. Oh, and I never went gray or got wrinkles.

It turns out raising children is a lot harder than I imagined.

A painless childhood does not produce a successful adult, or even consistently charming children. And even if we could prevent all of our kids' disappointments, fix all of their problems and settle all of their disputes, the experts say it isn't a good idea.

In their book, Parents Who Love Too Much (2000, Three River Press), Jane Nelson and Cheryl Erwin remind parents that it is not our job to make our kids happy, but instead to raise capable, responsible, self-confident adults. Rescuing children, they explain, deprives children of critical chances to develop these qualities. Rather than trying to make our children happy, the authors urge parents to teach their children how to make themselves happy.

When Jennifer Schneider's son Matt, age 7, wouldn't rewrite his messy homework recently, she knew he would have a tough time with his teacher. Nevertheless, she let him make his own decision.

"The homework came back the next day with a note from the teacher asking him to rewrite it so that she could grade it. That was a powerful thing," says Schneider. "He was mortified that he had to redo his work. He rewrote it and has been trying much harder to take time with his writing."

No doubt the experience was unpleasant for Matt — and for his mom. But by letting her son make a bad decision, Schneider gave him the chance to start making better decisions in the future.

Wendie Lubic, a parent educator at the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP) in Kensington, explains that parents can tell children about the possible results of a bad decision until they are blue in the face, but it usually doesn't make a difference until children actually experience a consequence. "That is when the learning is direct and has a greater chance of changing their behavior," Lubic says.

By making bad decisions and experiencing the consequences, children will learn to make better choices next time. Learning responsibility can be painful, and so can teaching it. It is hard to see our children struggle. Let them practice now when the stakes are small. Young children face fairly minor challenges. For teenagers (and adults, of course), the consequences of poor decisions can be more serious.

If your child forgets to take a coat to school and feels chilly at recess, she is more likely to remember it the next time. She has learned the natural consequence of her behavior. Yes, she will be cold. Yes, you may feel awful, knowing that she feels cold. But she's not likely to forget her coat the next day.

Better still, she'll have the chance to learn critical things about herself. Maybe she'll borrow a coat from the school's lost and found. (Message: "I'm a creative problem-solver!") Maybe she'll just shiver. ("I can endure a crummy afternoon.") Either way it's a setback she has handled on her own.

However, if you make a special trip to school to deliver the coat to her and save her from the chill, all that opportunity is lost. You may both feel better in the short run, but she hasn't learned anything about responsibility.

Authors Nelson and Erwin urge parents to let their kids experience these kinds of negative consequences in the short term so they learn responsibility, which will serve them in the long term. We have to be willing to let our children feel discomfort now if we expect them to be responsible and resilient later in life.

Just as we teach our kids how to do the wash, make a meal and drive a car so they can take care of themselves someday, we have to teach them how to be responsible, work hard and be resilient.

Make sure your expectations are clear ahead of time, and then be prepared to follow through. For example, helmets must be worn when riding a bike. If your daughter rides without one, she can't ride her bike for a week. If she loses her violin, she'll need to use her allowance to help pay for a replacement.

If you ask your daughter to be home by 6 for dinner, and she gets home at 7 instead, it makes sense that she's missed dinner and will have to wait until breakfast to eat again. Don't worry, she won't starve overnight. But she will think about getting home on time the next night.

We are not punishing our children by letting them feel chilly on the playground or taking away their bike for a week. We are teaching them. Punishment blames or shames a child; consequences guide her. Be careful not to ruin the power of a natural or logical consequence by tacking on a lecture. If Matt's mother had said, "I told you so," when his teacher required him to rewrite his messy homework, the focus would have shifted to the bad choice he made, not the new, better choice he could make the next time.

We can also promote responsibility by allowing children to make their own, age-appropriate decisions. Limited choices let your child choose from a few options that are acceptable to you. "Do you want to do your homework before dinner or after?" "Would you rather take a bath or a shower?" Declaring a preference is the first step to developing judgment.

Young children begin to develop judgment by choosing between oatmeal and pancakes for breakfast. Older children can handle more complicated decisions. One friend gave her daughter $20 at the beginning of a family trip to spend on souvenirs; what to buy was up to her. Another friend limits the amount of TV her son can watch each week, but she lets him decide whether to watch one show each day or a longer movie on the weekend.

If we don't rescue our kids when trouble hits, we can offer something even more soothing — a sympathetic ear. Kids gain tremendous confidence from knowing that we understand them. And their feelings are validated when a caring adult takes the time to listen.

In their book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, (Avon Books, 1980), Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish emphasize the power of our silence. By not solving our kids' problems, the authors explain, we invite them to explore their own thoughts and feelings and possibly come up with their own solutions.

Preparing a child for adulthood is hard work, much harder than I naively imagined. I was all set to adore my kids, to protect them and help them whenever they needed it. It turns out the reality of raising kids sometimes requires just the opposite. Luckily, children make plenty of mistakes and get lots of opportunities to learn. And so do we.

No wonder I'm going gray!

When you feel the urge to rescue your child, remember to B.A.C.K. O.F.F.

Begin now when the stakes are small.

Avoid lectures.

Consequences teach best.

Keep quiet and listen.

Offer limited choices.

Fixing the problem doesn't help.

Focus on the future.

To help your children learn responsibility, attend the Parent Encouragement Program's Self-Sufficiency Fair on March 11, 1:30-4:30 p.m. at the Coffield Center in Silver Spring. It's an opportunity for kids of all ages to demonstrate what they can do and learn some new life skills. For more information, go to www.parentencouragement.org/pepcdkf.html. Register by calling 301-929-8824.