Q&A with Adele Faber

by Lynne Ticknor, M.A.

Adele Faber is one of America's leading parenting experts and coauthor of How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk and Siblings Without Rivalry. She spoke with Washington Parent, and we asked her our readers' most pressing parenting questions.

Q. What are parents doing these days that makes it so difficult to raise responsible, caring and respectful children?

A. Mutual respect is the key ingredient. Some parents think it's most effective to be a tough parent - a real authoritarian - who can demand respect by instilling fear. Those are the "You-do-as-I-say" parents. Then there are those parents to go the permissive route and have trouble setting even minimal limits. What we really need to focus on is a parenting style that is based upon mutual trust and cooperation. This type of parent says, "I respect the little human being who I'm growing in my home, and I also respect myself." These parents are clear on what they will and will not allow.

Q. Why is it so hard to draw those lines and be clear on limits and expectations?

A. I don't think we have the language we need to get through to our kids and protect ourselves at the same time. It's not in our culture. We threaten, bribe, demand, lecture, beg, plead and use a lot of other types of ineffective ways of communicating. Just learning some respectful communication skills makes a huge difference in parent/child relationships.

Q. What makes communication so difficult in today's world?

A. First, I think it's because parents are more rushed than ever. The pace of society has accelerated to a degree that's anti-parenting. Parenting takes time. Some people like to talk about quality time. They say, "It's not how much time you spend with your child, it's the quality of the time that counts." No. Not true. You can't have quality without quantity. It doesn't happen.

Secondly, we don't have the kind of support that existed when family members lived nearby. With extended family, an aunt and uncle or Grandma and Grandpa took up some of the slack when things became cumbersome for Mom and Dad. Now Grandma and Grandpa don't live close enough to help or, if they do, they don't have the time either!

I also think that we are living in a meaner, ruder, cruder, harsher, more violent, materialistic and sexualized time, and all of those have permeated through our individual homes. It makes it harder for kids to grow up and harder for parents to grow their kids.

Q. What are some of the first steps in building a family that listens to each other and is respectful of one another?

A. We can't change the outside world. But here - in this holy circle that we call the family - we can listen to each other. We need to learn to listen to each other and acknowledge each others feelings. Paying attention to the feelings behind the words is the first step.

Q. Is it a parent's responsibility to read between the lines and dig deeper into what a child is saying?

A. I don't think parents need to dig. The problem is that most parents shut down the communication before the real issues even surface.

"Billy's stupid." (child)

"Billy's not stupid. Be nice." (mom)

"He's stupid and I hate him!" (child)

(yelling) "Don't talk about your brother that way! I don't want to hear that!" (mom)

If a child or teenager wants to talk, she will talk as long as the parent is listening without judgment. That's the key. It's the parent's acceptance of wherever the child or teen is emotionally that will enable her to get to the root of the problem. It's just by reflecting and accepting, the real issues will bubble up.

"Billy's stupid." (child)

"Oh, hmmm. . ." (mom)

"He's stupid and I hate him!" (child)

"Boy, you're really mad." (mom)

"Yes, I'm mad and I hate him." (child)

"So you're mad at your brother and you hate him?" (mom)

"Yeah, I'm so mad I want to kick his face in!" (child)

"Oh, hmmm . . . you really are angry at Billy." (mom)

"And my teacher, too!" (child)

"Oh, you're mad at your teacher, too?" (mom)

(crying) "Yes, she's really mean to me." (child)

So, it turns out that the child was upset over something that happened in school, and the teacher said or did something that hurt his feelings.

Q. You make it sound so easy, but it's not. Why is it so hard for parents to engage in this type of communication?

A. Well, the problem is that parents want to fix things. And they want to do it quickly. I'm hungry . . . go eat something. I'm thirsty . . . go drink something. I'm hurt . . . here's a Band-Aid. Parents can't bear to see their children in pain because it's very uncomfortable. One mother I know said she didn't realize how far gone she was until she raced around the house trying to find Scotch tape to mend a broken pretzel!

What I'd like parents to know is that their kids don't have to be constantly happy. The message in the home should be that your tears are as welcome as your laughter. I'll accept you when you're happy, sad, overwhelmed, discouraged, disappointed, frustrated and so on. I'll take the whole, human you. You know, the more deeply you feel, the more human you become.

Q. Is there anything else you'd like to add about parenting?

A. Just have an attitude of acceptance and forgiveness toward yourself. And try to have that same attitude towards your children. Accept them for who they are. And forgive them when they make mistakes. We are all in the process of growing. It's okay to make mistakes as long as we take responsibility for those mistakes and make amends when they happen. And that's what life is all about. That's what relationships are all about. It's all moment-by-moment stuff.

Come hear Adele Faber's program "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" on Thursday, November 15, 7:30 - 9:30 p.m. at Landon School in Bethesda Register by calling the Parent Encouragement Program at 301-929-8824.

Lynne Ticknor is a freelance writer and certified parent educator who wishes Adele Faber lived at her house.