Ages & Stages
Manners Do Matter
Raising a Gracious Child

by Lynne Ticknor, M.A.

If you live with a tween, you know it's a tumultuous time as she struggles to learn about herself and relate to everyone around her. Preteenagers can be happy and caring one minute and selfish and hurtful another. During the years between 8 and 12, children experience a tremendous amount of cognitive, emotional and physical growth. Because the prefrontal cortexes of their brains are not fully developed, tweens lack the fully developed ability to reason, control their impulses and understand the consequences of their behavior, all at a time when they are expected to engage in more sophisticated social interaction. Unfortunately, we can't wait until they are in their early 20s - when that part of the brain has developed - to teach them manners and appropriate social behavior. If your tween needs a lesson in etiquette, the upcoming holidays provide numerous opportunities to model and teach graciousness.

Teach Note Writing

Kids often view writing thank-you notes as a chore, so make writing them quick and fun. Have an assortment of cards, notepads, glittery pens, stickers and stamps on hand. Keep the supplies organized (a handled basket or plastic tackle box works well), and bring them out only when it's time to write notes. Better yet, give your child a supply of her own to keep in her desk drawer. If your child is stuck and doesn't know what to say when writing personal notes, have a sample thank-you note written that she can use as a model. Or save a few personalized notes that your daughter has received (that you think are particularly well-written) and suggest that she use those as models.

At holiday time, almost everyone has thank-you notes or personal correspondence to write. If that is the case, make Friday night a "thank-you" party where everyone sits down together. See who can come up with the most creatively decorated card or the most well written one. Everyone wins because thank-you notes are written in a timely fashion (experts say within a week or two of receiving the gift) and everyone can enjoy the time together.

Practice Social Skills

The holidays tend to be a very social time of year. Take advantage of the gatherings and parties, and teach your tween the importance of social graces. You can model appropriate social skills for your tween by introducing her to your friends and acquaintances she hasn't met. Teach her that a firm handshake followed by an assertive, "It's nice to meet you, Mr. Smith," with eye contact makes a good first impression. If these situations don't come naturally for your child, practice in advance and role play certain social situations during a "mock" party. Make sure you directly involve your tween in holiday social events. Take advantage of her capabilities and give her specific jobs to do, such as hanging up guests' coats or asking them what they would like to drink when they arrive. By giving your child an important task to do at the party, she is more likely to be interested and engaged in the event and will have the perfect opportunity to practice the skills you just taught her.

Express Gratitude

Thank-you notes aren't the only way to express gratitude and appreciation. Make a nightly ritual of sharing one specific thing each of you is grateful for when you say good night every evening. You might say, "I am grateful that it didn't rain so that we could enjoy our evening walk." This small act teaches your tween to appreciate both the big and the small things that make life meaningful.

One mom I know places a smiley-face sticker under the drinking glass of one person at the dinner table. The person with the smiley face receives positive comments from all other family members around the table. There are no rules, except that everyone must participate and that every comment has to be sincere. If big sister Lana gets the smiley face, little brother John can say something like, "Thanks for helping me with my homework," or, "I am grateful that you're my big sister because you taught me how to program the DVR." A simple family activity like this helps tweens, who might otherwise not think of anyone other than themselves on a given day, realize that showing appreciation towards other people is meaningful and builds positive relationships. Plus, everyone likes to be on the receiving end of compliments once in awhile!

Model Kindness

Of course, the most important thing you can do to raise a gracious child is to be a gracious adult. Children see everything we do. When you sit down to write a thank-you note to Aunt Hilda, your tween will learn that you value personal correspondence and understand the importance of showing appreciation for a gift or kind gesture.

Similarly, point out the kindness of other people. If someone lets you go ahead of them while pulling out of a crowded parking lot full of last minute holiday shoppers, be sure to give that driver a friendly wave and mention how kind it was for him to let you go first. Even though the driver of the other car doesn't know how much you appreciate his good deed, your child will. Lastly, be kind at home. We have the tendency to be nicer to strangers and acquaintances than we are to members of our own family. It's easier to take loved ones for granted, particularly when we are stressed or angry, because we know that they will love us anyway. These assumptions can cause a relationship to deteriorate over time. Show appreciation and kindness to your tween even when she's acting selfish or demanding. Your generous attitude might just rub off.

Lynne Ticknor is a certified parent educator with the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP) in Kensington. She writes frequently about parenting and child development for national and regional publications.

Dear Grandma,

Thank you for the snow jacket. I like it very much because it's my favorite color. It will also keep me warm this winter.

Love,
Lucy

Dear Pop-Pop,

Thanks so much for the dirt bike. I can't wait to get out on the obstacle course and try it out. I'm sure I'll be able to keep up with my friends now! I may even enter a freestyle event this spring. If I do, I hope you will come to watch me ride.

It was nice spending Christmas with you! Thanks again for the cool bike!

Love,
Timmy

Thank you for . . .

I'm sorry that . . .

I made a mistake and I'd like to . . .

I appreciate . . .

It's nice of you to . . .

It's nice to meet you Mr./Mrs./Ms. . . .