Heading Home for the Holidays?
Sanity-Saving Strategies?

by Julie Bloss Kelsey

Every year, my husband and I fly home, kids in tow, to visit our families. And each time, we agonize over how to keep things fair. How much time should we spend with my grandmother? His mother? Our friends? Our travel calendar fills up so quickly that we are frazzled before we even leave home!

But our last trip was a breakthrough. We actually relaxed and enjoyed ourselves. Our older son had a great time visiting his relatives. Our toddler held up pretty well until the last few days, which we thought was pretty good for a guy who still sleeps with Elmo. If you have little ones at home, you don't have to dread the family vacation. Take these tips along on your next trip to visit your relatives:

Set your agenda before you arrive. You don't need to plan a firm daily schedule, but decide ahead of time which people you intend to visit. If there are specific events that can't be moved, or friends whom you can only see at certain times, be sure to give them priority. If your trips are anything like ours, you won't have enough time to see all of your friends and relatives. Instead of trying to squeeze everyone in, focus on a few key people and let yourself really enjoy the time you spend with them.

Don't over-schedule. This familiar suggestion is one of the most basic, but it can be so difficult to follow. It's easy to anticipate a day full of adventure when you are at home, not tired from a delayed flight or a night spent sleeping on a lumpy couch. But one thing is guaranteed: you will need some "down time."

Consider planning one main event daily, rather than several smaller activities. Be sure that your plans coincide with the time when your children are most likely to be on their best behavior. Let your kids know what the overall plans are ahead of time, so that they can start each day prepared. Be flexible with other activities, and make sure to leave a few days completely unscheduled. On our most recent trip, one of our "open" days turned into a picnic in the park with my mother-in-law, a last-minute decision that we all greatly enjoyed.

Plan your sleeping arrangements in advance. Consider staying in a hotel when visiting households without small children. Chasing a toddler through a houseful of breakables can quickly grow tiring. If you are staying with family or friends, make sure there is a safe place for your toddler to sleep. Before you put your child down for the night, do a quick sweep of the room. Move any breakables to higher ground, insert electrical outlet covers and check for loose wiring or hanging cords from blinds and drapery. You may need to bring or borrow a safety gate and portable crib to confine your child in her assigned room overnight. If your child doesn't normally use a port-a-crib, practice using it before you leave home. Always ask about sleeping arrangements ahead of time. This simple step could save you from rushing to the store during the holidays, or worse, sprinting to the emergency room.

Don't expect to keep things equal. One of the greatest myths about visiting family is that you should spend the same amount of time with everyone. Believe me, it never works. You will drive yourself crazy and you won't make anyone any happier. In our experience, everyone will tell you that they wish you could stay longer. But, in reality, some family members - especially those who are older or live alone - can only handle houseguests for a few days at a time. Don't overstay your welcome. Save your longer visits for younger family members or ever-tolerant grandparents.

Tailor your activities to match your relatives. I used to think that one-size-fits-all plans, like going to the movies or playing in the park, would work well for anyone involved. This is another fallacy. My 81-year-old grandmother, for example, would rather we stayed home, raved over her cooking and ran around outside to admire her flower garden. Planning activities around the interests of others gives your children greater insight into what makes each family member unique. For my kids, a day spent on a boat with their grandfather - watching him cast lures and land fish - was far more personal than a trip to the park would have been.

Take advantage of friends and family. If you live far from your relatives, you probably don't get out as often as you'd like. So be sure to set aside some time for you. When friends or relatives offer to babysit, let them. Go to dinner with your spouse at a restaurant with real cloth napkins. Meet your former childhood pals at the theater and enjoy something other than a G-rated movie.

Snap lots of pictures. Liberal use of the camera or camcorder is a must! Small children have short attention spans. Nothing hurts the new grandparents' feelings faster than realizing that their precious grandchild has forgotten them between visits. Sharing photos and videos of your time spent together is a wonderful way to bring your children closer to their distant relatives. For younger children, you might work on a scrapbook of the trip together. Have your children dictate their thoughts about different activities. Be sure to include a page describing their favorite part of the trip, even if it wasn't part of the official agenda. Older children might want to take along a disposable camera or keep a journal. Have them collect flyers and other souvenirs of your activities for the memory book.

Above all, remember that this trip is just one step toward building your child's relationship with family and friends. Making memories to share is more important than having the perfect visit. Even if things go poorly, you will have something to laugh about later!

Julie Bloss Kelsey is a freelance writer living in Germantown. She treks across the United States with her husband and two young sons at least once a year to visit relatives and friends.