March 2008

Washington Parent 911

Room for Change: Teens Decorate Their Own Digs

By Robin Goldstein, Ph.D.

Problem: My 14-year-old daughter wants to decorate her bedroom “the way she wants!”

She has a lot of creative interests and ideas, but is it a good idea to let her take that much control of her room?

Insight: Teenagers' bedrooms are the closest thing they have to “personal space.” So it makes sense that they want to individualize their rooms as much as possible. The popularity of makeover shows on television, such as "Design on a Dime," has fueled somewhat of a decorating craze among teenagers. And kids who are especially creative and artistic become frustrated if they can’t try their ideas out because, “It’s my bedroom!”

Strategies: Although you may have firm opinions about how your child’s bedroom should look, at least consider some of her ideas and try to understand why she wants to decorate her room. These points might help.

Do know that it’s quite common for teenagers to decorate their rooms. Kids string lights around their windows, put their mattresses on the floor, and hang posters and pictures. Some kids draw or paint their own artwork on their walls.

Don’t forget that teenagers like to copy their friends: “Shannon has a neat lamp in her room. Can I get one?” “Alex’s wall is covered with flags and it looks great.” “Rachel put cool knobs on her dresser.”

Do think twice before you say, “Your walls have to be white to match the rest of the upstairs.” Teenagers are figuring out their identity, and this kind of (safe) experimentation is part of the process.

Don’t neglect to understand that kids this age often feel they have little control over many aspects of their lives. Therefore, your daughter might fight to make decisions about her room. “Why can’t I pick the color?” “Why do I have to hang pictures you like?” “What’s the big deal?”

Do expect not to like some of your daughter’s posters. When you think it’s necessary, have a discussion about what you will and will not accept on her walls. Hear her points, but maintain your limits about what you find inappropriate. Your guidelines and limits are still important during these years.

Don’t say, “Those posters are ugly.” Instead, choose words you would want her to say when she disagrees with you. Even during these years, you’re an important role model.

Do consider that your daughter may be more proud of a room full of her own artwork and ingenuity than of store-bought decorations. She may also change her tastes quickly and want to replace a decoration soon after she puts it up.

Don’t get overwhelmed. Offer options. You may not want her to draw murals on her walls (as some kids are allowed to do), but you can let her make nonpermanent changes. Use a removable, nondamaging adhesive (such as Sticky Tack) so she can arrange pictures of movie stars and favorite musicians on her walls. The best part of this decorating technique is that your child can easily add to it.

Do let her rearrange her furniture. Things can always be switched back. Compliment her ideas.

Don’t underestimate this interest leading to your daughter becoming more independent. She may even act more cooperatively in general if she experiences your willingness to give her choices and some control.

Do consider that if your daughter seems overly focused on redoing her room, she may see decorating as an escape from other problems. If she’s troubled, a new room arrangement won’t help her feel better. However, if her social life, family life and schoolwork are going reasonably well, you can assume her desire to redecorate is motivated by curiosity, creativity and a desire to express herself.

Don’t make your daughter promise to keep her newly arranged room neat. If she’s already an orderly kid, she’ll automatically straighten up, whatever the arrangement. And if she isn’t orderly, your insistence on being neat will only dampen her excitement. Keep cleaning up a separate issue.

Do (if you end up doing the decorating) decorate according to your daughter’s likes and dislikes. Give her choices as you go along. Remember, you’re constantly strengthening your relationship with your daughter during these years.

Bottom Line: Parents are always told to choose their battles carefully. This is one of those battles, while guidelines will be called for, that’s not worth the tension and arguments this issue can cause. Instead, think of the long-term positive outcomes of giving your daughter permission to decorate her room:

• She’ll get practice at trusting her ideas and ways of thinking.
• She’ll learn about flexibility and the importance of listening to others.
• She’ll become more aware of her strengths and interests.
• She’ll gain more confidence in her ability to make decisions.
• She’ll remember (with a smile) that you allowed her to do this.

Robin Goldstein, Ph.D., is a parenting counselor and author of The Parenting Bible. Robin can be reached at her website: www.drrobingoldstein.com.