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Ages & Stages Three Cheers for Chores! By Sarah Skolnik My mother still talks about the time I made her a cheeseburger. She’d been sick all day, but as her strength returned, she craved a cheeseburger. We lived in a New York City brownstone where the kitchen was two floors down, a distance that seemed unfair to impose on a woman who had only recently broken a fever. So I volunteered to make her a snack. I was familiar with culinary creations like peanut butter and jelly, scrambled eggs and grilled cheese. But she really wanted a cheeseburger. After receiving careful instructions, I set off down the stairs. There was something special about that cheeseburger. My mother said it looked as beautiful as it tasted. She liked the red of the tomato next to the bright orange of the sharp cheddar cheese. The bun was crunchy, the burger juicy. She still talks about it. And the fact is, I still love hearing about it. I’ve made many cheeseburgers since then, but I remain proudest of that one. The Value of Chores By making a contribution to the family, a child feels like a valuable member of the group. That feeling of belonging is critical to fueling a child’s self-esteem. “As parents, when we take on all the household responsibilities, we are actually doing a disservice to our children,” says Marlene Goldstein, a parent educator at the Parent Encouragement Program in Kensington. “Consider being less capable and ask for help from your kids,” she says. This gives them an opportunity to contribute, feel pride in themselves and gain a true sense of belonging. My children can’t make cheeseburgers yet, but they can wash the lettuce for the family dinner and wipe the counters after a meal. True, they get the floor wet and the counter ends up coated with a thin film of grease, but helping makes kids feel capable and important. Start Early Imagine how a high school student would feel if you tied his shoes every morning. Your preschooler feels something similar if you continue to clear his plate and make his bed. When we consistently do for our children what they can do for themselves, we rob them of the chance to develop their autonomy. So, the next time your 2-year-old asserts, “Me do!” take the cue. Make It Easy With a little advance planning, you can help your child succeed. Think like an environmental engineer. Before you ask your child to set the table, move the plastic plates to a low shelf. Small hands do better managing a lightweight plastic pitcher than a gallon jug of milk. If you transfer the dog food into a sturdy container and toss in a small scoop, even toddlers can help feed Fido. Toys should be stored on low shelves, and storage bins should be clearly labeled. My kids’ preschool pasted identical photographs of each kind of toy on both the shelf and the plastic bin that stored them. All the cars went into the bin labeled with the car photo and the bin went onto the shelf with the matching picture. For added buy-in, consider having your child take the pictures! Break It Down Preschoolers need multistep chores broken into manageable one-step pieces. Telling a child to, “Clean your room,” is like saying, “Get ready for school.” A 4-year-old can’t finesse the mess in her bedroom any better than she can manage the morning tasks of brushing her teeth, getting dressed, eating breakfast and then getting into the car by herself. Take time for training. Pick a specific task like putting the books back onto the bookshelf, then move onto getting all the dirty clothes into the hamper. In a few years your child will be able to identify these steps on her own. Encourage, Encourage, Encourage Focus on your child’s effort, not the outcome. If the just-made bed is lumpy, don’t smooth it out. Remember, perfection is not the goal. Notice specifics and avoid generic praise. “Wow, you pulled the covers up all the way to the pillow!” is much more effective than “Nice job!” or “Good girl!” Let your child know how his contribution helps: “Thank you. Now that your dishes are on the counter I can load the dishwasher more easily.” A Word about Rewards Refrain from offering rewards like cash or special purchases for chores. Children should help with household tasks because they’re members of the family, and in a family, everyone helps take care of things around the house. “[Reilly’s] chores are part of our everyday routine and are simply her responsibility,” says Northern Virginia mom Regina O’Flaherty of her 6-year-old daughter. “If we gave her incentives or rewards, the chores would seem like work rather than contributions to the household.” Young children are eager to help. If we take time to train them now, they’ll feel the confidence that comes from making a real difference to someone else. Who knows? Maybe someday my daughter will make me a cheeseburger. Sarah Skolnik is a certified parent educator with the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP) in Kensington. To help children learn responsibility, attend PEP’s “Can Do Kids Fair” on March 9, or “Raising Responsible, Competent, Cooperative Kids” on March 13. For more information, visit www.pepparent.com. Register by calling 301-929-8824. Reasonable Responsibilities: Kids Can Do More Than We Think Age 2 Age 3 Age 4 |
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