May 2008

Washington Parent 911
That Wasn't Nice: Now Say You're Sorry!

By Robin Goldstein, Ph.D.

Problem: When my 4-year-old son hurts his sister or a friend, I want him to apologize. After coercing him, I usually succeed in getting him to say he’s sorry, but he says it quickly and quietly which makes me wonder if he really means it. How important is it for kids to apologize?

Insight: Young children are by nature egocentric, which simply means that they focus on their own needs and wants without considering the feelings of others. This explains why you’re the one initiating the apology, and why you don’t observe your son’s genuine feelings of being sorry when he hurts another person. When kids reluctantly mutter, “Sorry,” it’s clear they don’t feel remorse for hurting someone else. In fact, when they say, “I didn’t do it,” or, “But I had it first,” they’re letting you know that they believe (in their 4- or 5-year-old way of thinking) they did nothing wrong. That’s just the way kids think.

Strategies: It’s often not easy for kids – or adults – to apologize for their negative actions or words. Yet there are ways to respond to children’s behaviors that will help them learn to take responsibility for their negative behaviors. These do’s and don’ts will enable you to understand this problem from a developmental perspective.

Don’t neglect to listen to your son’s side. He won’t offer sincere apologies until he has the experience of having his side of a disagreement heard. Children (and adults) who feel unheard often defend themselves and refuse to apologize even when they know they’re wrong.

Do understand that, at times, all young children grab, hit, knock over each other’s blocks, say mean things and refuse to share. Set firm limits on inappropriate behavior rather than force your son into making insincere apologies. Kids need to know that doing unkind things and being aggressive towards others is simply not allowed.

Don’t forget that if you don’t want your son to treat others in negative ways, you need to supervise closely so that you catch it before it happens. Distract, redirect and get involved. This will help him learn positive ways to treat others.

Do know that when apologizing becomes the main consequence for unacceptable behavior, your son may decide that it’s worth hitting others or knocking over their toys, because he knows that all he has to do is say “Sorry” afterwards and he will be excused.

Don’t force an apology because it’s a quick and easy way to deal with misbehavior. Hearing your son apologize may be very unsatisfying if he’s done something dangerous, such as throw sand in a playmate’s face.

Do help your son find ways to resolve conflicts. Encourage him to use words to express his disappointments. Help him with suggestions: “ I wanted to play the fish game by myself.” Have family time when everyone says something they’re sorry for. Set the example: “I’m sorry I yelled at you today.”

Don’t overemphasize apologies. He will learn that he can easily get off the hook: “But I said I’m sorry.”

Do understand that the real motivation for your son to change his behavior comes not from the fear of having to apologize but from the fear of disappointing and angering you, and as he gets older, his friends.

Don’t overlook the emotional issues. Your son may not make genuine apologies because he may be too embarrassed or ashamed to admit wrongdoing. At other times, he may not like being put on the spot. He may deny his actions, “I didn’t do it,” because he fears his parents’ reactions and disapproval.

Do have your son help remedy a situation: “Since you pushed over your friend's castle, you have to help her put it back together.”

Don’t hesitate to say, “I’m not going to let you hit him.” Or, “You may not want to play with her, but I’m not going to let you hurt her.”

Do know that since your son imitates your behavior, it’s important for you to model considerate behavior by apologizing to others: “I’m sorry for being late.” Apologize to him when you overreact, bump into him or take him away from play to rush out for your own reasons. If you apologize whenever the situation calls for it, your son will eventually copy your words and actions.

Don’t neglect to understand that a child who doesn’t want his parents to get angry at him may apologize on his own for misbehavior. Such an apology comes from within and is much more sincere than an apology he’s forced to make.

Do explain to your son, as he gets a bit older, what it means to apologize. “When you apologize, you tell someone that you feel sorry you hurt them.” Explain that kids need to apologize if they make someone feel sad, tease someone or lose or break something that belonged to someone else.

Don’t underestimate the importance of building his self-esteem so that he learns to feel secure enough to apologize to others. A child who is insecure will be more reluctant to apologize because he will feel that it’s an attack on who he is.

Bottom Line: All important learning starts in the home. Every day you teach your son right from wrong and how others should be treated. Acknowledge the hurt you do to others. Take responsibility for situations. Learn from your mistakes.

And, thank you for bringing this issue to my attention. We can all use reminders on the value and importance of those two simple words, “I’m sorry.”

Robin Goldstein is a parenting counselor and the author of The Parenting Bible. She can be reached at her website: www.drrobingoldstein.com.