May 2008

Ages & Stages
Preschoolers and Their Pretend Pals

By Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT

Lara is 4 years old and her family moved recently. The transition has been difficult at times and Lara often feels sad. Fortunately, she has a new friend, Pigshrewmouse, to comfort her. Pigshrewmouse is so real to Lara that she believes she can hear his voice and see him sitting in her hand. Pigshrewmouse is always there when Lara needs a friend to keep her company. Research psychologist Marjorie Taylor and others have found that imaginary companions are much more common than previously thought. Studies indicate that nearly two-thirds of young children have at least one imaginary friend by age 7 and that older children are just as likely to have imaginary companions as preschoolers.

Meet the Imaginary Friends

Children describe their imaginary friends as animals, people, objects or aliens – from the very large to the very small. Many children create an imaginary pet friend for themselves and go to great lengths to give it special care. Some imaginary friends are reported to be just like ordinary children and may be members of the family or live in the neighborhood. Other imaginary friends are more unusual, such as fantasy creatures that range from fairies and elves to friendly monsters and even animated objects, like toasters or telephones.

Not every child has a friendly relationship with her imaginary companion. Some imaginary friends are highly competitive, and a few are downright mean. For instance, some imaginary companions are so “perfect” that their human friends feel insignificant by comparison. Other imaginary friends are reported to be quite bothersome and may pester the child by not leaving her alone when she wants to do something else. A few children even report feeling intimidated or frightened by their imaginary companions!

Fortunately, though, most children view their imaginary friends as lovable and kind. Mary, now in her late 50s, still recalls her dear imaginary friend Susan, who had a pet cat and wore her long, dark hair tied back in red ribbons. Susan was a very dependable friend who kept Mary company at home after her older sister began school.

Why Have Imaginary Friends?

Early childhood is an important time for preschoolers to learn about life, and playtime is when they practice dealing with strong emotions, such as power, anger and fear. Creating and interacting with imaginary friends is also a way for children to practice their problem-solving skills. For instance, Carl, an only child, often tells his mother that his “brother and sister” don’t take baths and that his “brother and sister” don’t wear shoes! Imaginary friends are also scapegoats for mistakes: “I didn’t break it, FooFat and Sand Cat did it!”

Young children have little control over their lives, but when a preschooler plays with imaginary friends, she is simultaneously the writer, director and leading actor in a private world of her own creation. In addition to giving a child a greater sense of control, imaginary companions help her deal with childhood stresses, such as being afraid of the dark or handling a conflict.

Parents who are fortunate enough to learn about their children’s imaginary playmates have a rare opportunity to peek inside their child’s inner world. You can use this insight to understand the challenges your child faces. If her imaginary friend has many fears and problems, for instance, it may be that your child is struggling to manage her own fears and problems. If your child’s imaginary companion is disruptive and disrespectful, it is possible that she is feeling distressed and is unable to find the words to talk about it.

Imaginary companions are special visitors in a child’s life who are often remembered with great affection in later years. Eventually, imaginary companions fade away, or are even “killed off” by the child creators who are ready to continue living life without them. It seems that imaginary companions help children learn how to say, “Good-bye,” as well as, “I’m glad you’re here, let’s play!”

Emory Luce Baldwin is a family therapist. As a certified parent educator, she teaches classes for the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP). For more information, go to www.PEPparent.com.

Welcoming Invisible Friends

• Support your child’s imaginary friendships. Be interested and encouraging without inserting yourself into the play.
• Follow your child’s lead in how you should respond to imaginary friends. If your child doesn’t want to talk about her invisible friends, respect her privacy.
• If your child asks to set a plate for her friend at the dinner table, do so! It’s a respectful way to reinforce your family’s values about hospitality and courtesy.
• If your child blames her imaginary friend for accidents and problems, it’s okay. This is usually an example of “magical thinking,” not dishonesty. When this happens, share a friendly moment of dismay about the irresponsible habits of imaginary friends and then help your child clean up the spill or solve the problem.
• If your child complains about an annoying imaginary companion, help her send her unpleasant companion away. Fanciful remedies often work against imaginary beings, such as “magic monster evaporation spray” (water in a spray bottle).