June 2008
My Heart Belongs to Daddy!
Bonding With Baby
By Erin Mantz
The challenges around dads bonding with babies may be partially attributed to one thing: Men, by nature, are problem solvers – and babies are a tough puzzle to solve. This point is emphasized by Gary Greenberg, who, with Jeannie Hayden, literally wrote the book on fatherhood. In Be Prepared: A Practical Handbook for New Dads, Greenberg explains how dads’ reliance on logic and reason comes face to face with babies, who, by nature, are irrational and illogical. As babies behave in random and inexplicable ways, it can be hard for dads to size up babies and believe their involvement is making an impact.
Until recently, society and support networks didn’t make it easy for dads to bond with babies. Books, baby showers and breastfeeding were all about mom. The good news for dads is their role has expanded (except for the breastfeeding part, of course). Resources range from expectant dad books and daddy blogs to dad support groups and Boot Camp for New Dads. And research has shown how vital dad’s role is to baby’s development from day one. Waiting for baby to turn into a toddler fit for a “t-ball with dad” class just won’t cut it anymore.
Research Redefines the Daddy Role
It’s never too early for fathers to play an active role in parenting babies. In fact, studies show that a father providing skin-to-skin contact with his newborn immediately after a mom’s cesarean section offers the same calming and comforting benefits a mother would provide – even in the first two hours of life. Research also tells us that babies start learning and developing right away. Researchers at the University of Washington’s Institute for Learning and Brain Sciences discovered that babies learn more in the first three years of life than they ever will again. “Motherese” – now called “parentese” because dads do it, too – refers to how parents talk to baby, and studies show babies are learning language long before they will utter their first word. Experts point out that fathers talk to their toddlers differently than mothers do. Fathers ask more questions that encourage their tots to talk more and use more words.
Rough-and-Tumble Play With Dad
Babies who have high levels of interaction with their dads have higher cognitive functioning at six months and one year of age, are better problem solvers as toddlers and have higher IQs at age three. Additional studies show that infants of highly involved fathers become more resilient in stressful situations and are more eager to explore their environments. Physical rough-and-tumble play a dad does with his infant even predicts the baby’s ability to control his own impulses. As they play as they get older, babies learn that biting and kicking are not acceptable, and they learn self-control when dad says, “Settle down.”
Resources for Dads Are on the Rise
Some new dads want to be better prepared to bond and interact with baby. Some even head off to Boot Camp for New Dads (www.newdads.com/boot_camp_for_new_dads). Others are pleasantly surprised that bonding is easier than they thought it would be, and interacting with baby seems like second nature. This latter case was the experience of Hiren Patel of Fairfax, father of a now 22-month-old girl. “I read every BabyCenter newsletter my wife e-mails me,” he admits, referring to the site’s popular “Your Baby Is X Weeks Old” e-newsletter (www.babycenter.com), which highlights every week-by-week stage of baby’s growth and development. When his daughter was born, he worked from home twice a week. “Being able to give her a bottle at lunchtime and get her at night helped me stay involved,” he says. Today, he works full-time out of his home as founder and chief executive officer of LimitedDeals.com, but that early bonding set the stage for active fatherhood.
Marshall Hershkowitz of Rockville is raising an 8-year-old son but easily recalls his days as an expectant dad. “I had no clue what to expect but figured if anyone else could do it, so could I,” he says. He read his wife’s copy of What to Expect When You’re Expecting and braced himself. He got a lesson in flexibility after the baby was born. Hershkowitz was trying to work full-time and go to school at night, but he gave up school because the baby didn’t sleep well. Today, Hershkowitz is a single parent raising his son and is membership vice president of a group called Single Parents Raising Kids (SPARK), a nonprofit volunteer educational organization centered on the success and well-being of single-parent families. Based in Montgomery County but also open to single parents in DC and Virginia, SPARK offers social activities and educational programs – all kicked off with new member orientations over coffee. Through SPARK, Hershkowitz shares insights with other new dads. You can find more information about SPARK at http://members.verizon.net/~vze32ktf/spark/index.html.
Like many fathers, Peter Steinberg of Springfield worked full-time when his kids were born, and his wife stayed home. Even so, Steinberg bought the Father’s Almanac Book and started carving out an evening routine with each baby. Years later, he’s expanded that nighttime involvement. He and his wife reversed roles, and he’s happily a stay-at-home dad to their two daughters, now 11 and 13. He heads up DC Metro Dads, a group he founded in 1997 to support stay-at-home dads and provide a network of social and educational activities. Details are available on www.dcmetrodads.com.
Parental Involvement Can Never Be Perfect
“There is no perfect parent” insists Scott Beller, director of communications for Dads Unlimited at www.daddying.com, a site which helps dads learn the practical art and craft of “daddying.” As the father of a 7-month-old girl, he realizes bonding is challenging. “Early on, you interact with baby, and she doesn’t respond. You wonder if it’s really important for you to be there. But you have to remember you [the father] are making a difference,” Beller says. He and Dads Unlimited president, CEO and parent educator Allan Shedlin are so committed to the daddy cause that they run a nonprofit arm that provides parenting consulting services to local clinics and assists emerging and struggling grassroots fatherhood initiatives nationwide. “Daddying Movement” founder Shedlin frequently speaks on the topic of lifelong fathering and will launch the first “Reel Fathers” Film Festival in Santa Fe, New Mexico on Father’s Day. Describing the Daddy Movement on the child advocacy site connectforkids.org, Shedlin emphasizes how today’s dads are “not likely to be asked the question I was asked 40 years ago when I brought my 1-year-old daughter to the local playground in my New York City neighborhood: ‘Are you babysitting today?’” Today’s dads can be found more often on the playground, pushing strollers and carrying cool-looking diaper bags.
Erin Mantz is Washington Parent’s editor at large. She lives in Potomac with her husband and two sons. You can find her blog at http://blog.erinmantz.com.
Gary Greenberg’s 5 Tips For Bonding With Baby
Gary Greenberg is the author of Be Prepared: A Practical Handbook for New Dads and is a father with a sense of humor; he currently writes for Jimmy Kimmel Live.
Be brave: Never let baby know that you are scared of him. Babies, like dogs, can sense fear. Try to relax, speak in soothing tones and look him right in the eyes.
Burps are bonding: You’ll burst with pride when baby lets out a rumbler.
Suds him up: Bath time is good quality time. Even though he lounges around all day, baby can get surprisingly dirty.
Read sports magazines: Experts agree that reading to even very young babies is a good idea. Even though he doesn’t know a dunk from a doorknob, he will be attracted to the colorful, high-contrast pictures, and hearing you read will help his brain map to recognize sound patterns. As a bonus, you get to catch up on your favorite teams.
Sing out loud: Baby is your karaoke dream audience. He hasn’t heard enough music to know what horrible singing is. So sing him your favorites and see which ones he likes best.