June 2008

Ages & Stages
Elementary Ages:
Parenting Your Quirky Child

By Sue Clark

Quirky: (adj.) peculiar; idiosyncratic

Andrew, 6, reads at an advanced level but has trouble fitting in socially. He’s obsessed with train technology and prefers to organize his trains rather than play with them. He has an adult vocabulary and an unusual way of speaking that tends to turn other kids off. He only sleeps a few hours each night.

Anna, 8, is fun to be with when she’s in a good mood, but her moods change quickly and frequently. She is easily distracted, unless she’s watching TV or playing a video game. Anna makes friends easily because she is outgoing and energetic. Unfortunately, friends don’t stick around long because Anna tends to be bossy and aggressive.

David, 11, is academically gifted and very anxious about his grades. He spends a lot of time redoing homework until it’s perfect. He is very sensitive to changes in routine and is prone to explosive, prolonged tantrums. He insists on wearing tight-fitting turtlenecks, even in the summer. He is very shy and will eat only crunchy foods.

You may be wondering if your challenging child is just quirky or if something else is going on. When should a parent be concerned?

Elementary-age children develop at widely different rates. If your child is content, meets developmental milestones and functions relatively well at home, with friends and at school, there’s probably no reason for concern. But, if your child has frequent and prolonged meltdowns, isn’t meeting developmental milestones or struggles to maintain friendships, it’s time to do a little detective work.

Ross Greene, author of The Explosive Child, says, “Children do well if they can. If they can’t, we adults need to help them figure out what’s getting in their way.”

Here are a few action steps you can take:

Learn about sensory processing:
Quirky children often have underlying sensory processing issues that affect behavior. In their book, The Sensory Sensitive Child, Karen Smith and Karen Gouze explain that when the brain processes sensory information inefficiently, the child experiences the world differently than other children. She misperceives input, which affects how she thinks, feels and reacts. The book offers practical suggestions to help children improve their functioning at home and school.

Encourage outdoor play and reduce screen time:
Creative play is crucial to children’s neurological development. Studies show that reduced screen time and increased outdoor sensory-motor play benefit children. You are likely to see an increase in attention, focus and cognition and a decrease in depression, anxiety and repetitive stereotypic behaviors.

Practice social skills:
It is hard for some children to read body language and facial expressions, use appropriate eye contact and understand the nuances of inflection and intonation. A quirky child might talk about inappropriate topics or have trouble viewing things from another person’s perspective. Games and role playing are effective ways to teach social skills. “I’ll make a face and you guess if I’m mad or sad.” Or, “I’ll pretend I’m a bully at recess and you are the kid she’s picking on.” Reversing roles keeps it interesting.

Engage in problem solving:
While it’s tempting to solve your child’s problems for her, it’s more helpful to teach her problem-solving skills. Parents can help children anticipate trouble and find creative ways to handle it. “When you are at the birthday party, what might you do if a balloon pops or if someone bumps into you?” “When the party gets too chaotic, do you want to find a quieter room or go outside for awhile?”

Teach your child about anger:
Parents need to teach children socially appropriate ways to handle anger. When children are involved in choosing how to handle emotions, they are more likely to cooperate. You might say something like, “I notice that you get stuck when it’s time to stop playing and go to sleep. I wonder what might help you get unstuck so that you have time to sort your trains before bedtime.”

Consider a parenting class:
Raising quirky children challenges us in ways we never imagined. Parenting classes offer a supportive environment and will help you determine whether your child’s issues are typical. A good class can guide you in identifying the reasons for your child’s behavior, teach you how to set limits consistently and respectfully and help you manage anger.

Seek help when needed:
Does your daughter want to fit in but doesn’t know how? Are her challenges affecting the entire family? Is she chronically frustrated? Are you overwhelmed? If you have a nagging feeling that something is wrong, trust your instincts. Seek outside advice.

Talk with your pediatrician:
Schedule a private consultation with your doctor. Ask for your child to have a thorough physical examination to rule out hidden medical problems. Make an appointment after the visit to discuss the results. If you’re not satisfied, insist on seeing a specialist (see sidebar).

We owe it to our children to help them build competence, develop strategies to manage frustration and feel a sense of belonging. Appreciate your child’s unique gifts and help her overcome obstacles. And the most important thing? Love your child unconditionally, with all her strengths and foibles, and help her reach her full potential.

Sue Clark, the parent of a quirky teen, is a certified parent educator with the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP) in Kensington and consults for Developmental Delay Resources and Generation Rescue, nonprofit organizations that help parents of children with neuro-developmental disorders. For more information, call PEP at 301-929-8824 or visit www.PEPparent.org.

Finding a Specialist

Occupational therapists (OTs) evaluate and treat sensory-processing and motor-coordination problems. They help children recognize sensory triggers and react in appropriate ways. Look for one who is SIPT-certified (Sensory Integration and Praxis Tests).

Speech/language pathologists help with pragmatic language, including facial expressions, body language, intonation, spatial proximity, eye contact and turn-taking.

Developmental pediatricians have training in child development and specialized diagnostic experience. They can prioritize interventions for a child who needs multiple therapies. Look for one who is current on biomedical research.

Nutritionists can rule out food sensitivities. Studies show artificial food colors and additives cause hyperactivity, inattention, distractibility, impulsivity and rage in some children. Many parents also report that removing wheat and dairy improves behavior.