July 2008

Ages & Stages
Sibling Prep for Preschoolers

By Lynne Ticknor, M.A.

With your help, your preschooler will learn to accept – and love – her new sibling!

When 3- year-old Amanda found out she was going to be a big sister, she boasted to everyone she met, “I’m having a baby” and began planning all the things she and her baby could do together. But once her baby brother arrived, Amanda became aggressive and demanding. “Take him back! I hate him!” she shouted daily. According to her parents, she even tried to hurt the baby. Numerous “timeouts” and harsh reprimands didn’t help, and Amanda’s parents couldn’t imagine what had happened to their loving, sweet-natured little girl.

Sibling rivalry is a natural and normal part of family life. It usually occurs because each child wants the undivided attention of Mom and Dad. Whenever multiple people live together in a single space, conflict occurs. There’s nothing wrong with conflict – unless we are unskilled at handling it (which all preschoolers are!). One of the greatest gifts you can give your preschooler is the space to express negative feelings and the skill to handle them appropriately. A new addition to the family affords parents a plethora of opportunities to practice giving this gift.

Typical Reactions to a New Baby

• Regression. Don’t be surprised if your preschooler suddenly starts acting like a baby and asks you to help her dress or drink from a bottle. After all, when a baby cries, everyone rushes over to hold him. When he’s hungry, everyone clamors to feed him. When he has a dirty diaper, he gets immediate attention. No wonder preschoolers often revert to baby-like behaviors! Go ahead and play along in the short term. Soon, your preschooler will tire of it when she realizes that babies can’t walk, talk or eat ice cream!
• Aggression. Feeling left out, overlooked or replaced often results in acts of aggression. When preschoolers act aggressively, it’s not because they “hate” the person they hit, bite or push. It’s merely because they haven’t yet mastered control of their emotions. Teach appropriate ways to handle emotions, such as drawing pictures of feelings or expending physical energy through exercise.
• Jealousy. Find appropriate times to put your preschooler’s needs ahead of the baby’s. For example, if it’s time to nurse the baby, you might announce, “Okay baby, I know you are hungry but I am going to get Penny her juice first.” It won’t hurt the baby to wait a minute or two, and it makes a positive impression on the older child that the baby doesn’t always get preferential treatment!
• Knowing that these reactions are typical does not make dealing with the sibling issues easy. But there are some things you can do before, during and after the baby arrives to help your preschooler ease into the change.

Before the Baby Arrives

• Tell your preschoolers before you tell others. Whether you are adopting or expecting, it’s important for your preschooler to hear about the addition to the family from you. Don’t tell friends and neighbors first, as they may assume your child already knows and inadvertently ask her what she thinks of becoming a big sister.
• Be honest about what life is like with a baby. Most preschoolers believe they’ll have an instant playmate! Since they don’t remember being a baby, they have unrealistic expectations about what a baby can and can’t do.
• Teach your preschooler to hold a baby. Give your child a life-size doll to hold and practice caring for. Teach her how to support a baby’s head.
• Let your preschooler participate in preparing for baby’s arrival. Maybe your older child can pick out the outfit your baby will wear home. Or maybe she can help get the nursery ready by helping to decorate or clean the room.

When the Baby Arrives

• Put pictures of big sister in the bassinet. Older sibs love seeing their pictures next to the baby. “See? This is me. I’m your big sister,” she may say as she “shows” her picture to the baby.
• Welcome your preschooler with open arms. When you first see your older child after the baby arrives, be sure to have someone else hold the baby so that your arms are free for a big hug. If it’s been a day or more since you’ve seen your preschooler, she might be happier to see you than she is to see the baby.
• Keep visits short and pleasurable. If you are in the hospital when your preschooler first meets her sibling, keep the visit short. A long time in a small hospital room is likely to drive even a good-natured preschooler bonkers. Eating at the cafeteria was something my older kids enjoyed, so my husband made that a part of each hospital visit.

During the First Weeks at Home

• Make it clear how the baby can be touched. Use simple guidelines (“You can stroke his feet or gently tickle his tummy”). Stay within easy reach whenever your preschooler holds the baby.
• Let her participate in the baby’s daily care. With supervision and gentle instruction, you can teach your older child to help bathe, feed and dress the baby. Such activities allow her to be involved with the baby in positive ways.

During the First Year

• Spend one-on-one time with your preschooler. Carve out 20 minutes per day to play with just your preschooler. Allow her to direct the play. The undivided attention you give your preschooler will have big payoffs throughout the remaining hours of the day.
• Pay attention to feelings. It’s okay for your child to feel resentful or angry over the new baby. Acknowledge her feelings by giving her words to express what she might be trying to express nonverbally through hitting, pushing or screaming.

Enlarging your family means numerous transitions for everyone. Take time to help your preschooler adjust, and you’ll be inspired by the tender moments your children share between themselves.

Lynne Ticknor is a certified parent educator with the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP). She writes about parenting for national and regional publications.

Books for Preschoolers

A Baby for Max, by Kathryn Lasky and Maxwell Knight
Will There Be a Lap for Me?  by Dorothy Corey
A New Baby at Koko Bear's House, by Vicky Lansky
Oonga Boonga, by Carol Thompson
A Place for Ben, by Jeanne Titherington
Talk, Baby! by Harriet Ziefert
I’m a Big Brother or I’m a Big Sister, by Joanna Cole
The New Baby at Your House, by Joanna Cole
Arthur's Baby, by Marc Brown
Julius, the Baby of the World, by Kevin Henkes

For more information on this topic, attend PEP’s workshop on Defusing Sibling Rivalry & Fighting, July 29, 7:30-9:30 p.m., in Kensington. Call 301-929-8824 to register.