August 2008

Ages & Stages
Moving Up To Middle School

By Robbye Fox

Locker combinations … PE uniforms … interschool athletics … online grade reports … school dances … multiple teachers and classrooms…

Middle school is full of changes. Some children will find it exciting, but for others, the transition will be downright anxiety-producing. One of the most challenging changes middle schoolers face is increased responsibility for homework and class projects. But just like a new calendar year, a new school year offers parents and their tweens a wonderful opportunity to make positive resolutions regarding responsibility and routines.

Communicate

Start prepping for the new school year by asking your child how he feels about what lies ahead. “What changes are you anticipating?” “What are you most looking forward to?” “What worries you?” Pull out your old yearbook, or think back to your middle school days. Sharing the worries and experiences you had then can help your tween feel safer about expressing his own.

As your tween expresses his thoughts and concerns, resist the urge to discount or take responsibility for his worries. And, if he isn’t ready to talk when you bring up the subject, drop it for a while. “Communication is such an up-and-down thing at this age...never be shocked by what they say. If you are, they will stop talking,” says Rosemary McHugh, middle school math teacher at St. John’s Episcopal School in Olney.

Empower

Let your tween take responsibility for his own academics. “Never do for a child on a consistent basis what he can do for himself,” said renowned behavioral psychiatrist and educator Rudolf Dreikurs, MD, whose psychiatric findings were based on the misbehavior of preadolescents. Doing a task for your child is actually discouraging. Let him do it himself, and you’ll be expressing your faith in his competence.

As you discuss impending changes with your child, talk about what home routines will need to be modified. An earlier bus pick-up time will require an earlier wake-up time and perhaps an earlier bedtime. PE uniforms will need to be brought home, washed and returned to school. “Make them accountable for everything – setting their own alarm clocks, getting up by themselves, packing their own lunches – responsibility is a big thing in middle school,” McHugh says.

Train

As much as we wish our children could absorb time-management and organizational skills just by watching us, they need dedicated training. To complicate this, middle school coincides with a period of rapid brain development in young preadolescents. Specifically, neuroscientists have discovered that the area of the brain that controls planning, working memory, organization and mood regulation undergoes rapid reorganization and is not mature until about age 18, and even as late as age 25. During the tween years, children are developing skills in deductive reasoning, problem solving and generalizing.

Keeping this research in mind, strike a balance between encouraging responsibility in your tween and understanding when the transition doesn’t go perfectly. Encourage your child to predict and solve his own problems, even if it’s not the way you would handle it. Also, be conscious not to dump too much on a tween at one time, as the developing brain can be easily overloaded. Start by turning over small tasks one at a time. Remember: practice makes progress.

As part of your organizational and time management training, help your tween establish his study space and collect necessary school supplies. Talk about other activities he has and how he might manage his time to include homework.

Using a calendar, day planner, electronic PDA or cell phone calendar is helpful for children this age, especially those who learn visually.

Encourage

The role of an encouraging parent is not to smooth the road and straighten the curves in life, but rather to prepare each child to handle the bumps and take the curves with increasing skill. Parents can do this by:

• Helping their child feel capable of handling whatever comes his way,
• Identifying the strengths and abilities that the child possesses,
• Offering information, suggestions or assistance, if requested,
• Recognizing the positive steps or actions the child takes towards resolving any issue.

Use lots of detailed, specific, descriptive encouragement and appreciations to let children know when they’re right. “I see you’ve got your backpack completely zipped and by the door ready to go tomorrow,” or, “You’ve been sticking to your homework schedule – I hope that’s paying off for you.” Our ultimate goal is to help our emerging adults make friends with their mistakes and learn from them for the future.

Robbye Fox is a certified parent educator with the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP), mother of a middle schooler and two high schoolers, and a leader of PEP’s “Thriving with Teens” classes. For more information on these and other parenting tweens programs, visit HYPERLINK "http://www.PEPparent.org/"www.PEPparent.org.

Raising Responsible Children

Responsibility: “A process of making choices and then accepting the consequences of those choices.” Help your tween develop responsibility by guiding them to:

• Learn Practical Skills. Setting and waking to an alarm clock, packing a lunch and monitoring online grades are all responsibilities that middle schoolers can handle.
• Make Choices. Offering choices for life tasks, such as when to complete homework, gives them practice in exercising self-judgment.
• Respect Reasonable Limits. Consistent rules and guidance help adolescents stay on track.
• Learn to Handle Problems. Parents are not responsible for solving all of their children’s problems but rather equipping them with the tools to handle problems on their own.
• Stay with a Task to Completion. Support your middle schooler’s efforts in school and social encounters without rescuing, criticizing or taking over.