October 2008

Ages & Stages

Parenting Your Teen for Independence

By Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT

Many teens flounder in high school as their parents worry and try to figure out what to do.

Jasmine, a high school junior, stresses about how much she has to do for school, work and her many extracurricular activities. Jasmine’s mother helps her by organizing her schedule and monitoring her assignments, deadlines, tests, work schedule and activities.

Susanna was a bright and curious student in middle school, but now in her senior year of high school, her grades are plummeting. Susanna’s parents are desperately hiring tutors, enrolling her in SAT prep classes and telling her how embarrassed they will be if she doesn’t get into college. Yet, the more upset Susanna’s parents get, the less concerned she appears.

Matthew is a procrastinator who spends a great deal of time on the computer. The high school sophomore spends hours doing Internet “research” for a project, while the deadline inches closer. He postpones homework by reading his friends’ Facebook pages and playing video games. His parents cannot stand watching him waste so much time on the computer and are threatening to take his computer off-line.

Driven to Distraction

For many parents, the high school years are the culmination of all their efforts to raise their child well. They often see these years as their last chance to launch their child successfully into the world. But teenagers often thwart the best intentions of conscientious parents who want to help. Smart but disorganized, talented but unmotivated, capable but distracted – many teens flounder in high school as their parents worry and try to figure out what to do.

Neuroscience has confirmed that the part of the brain responsible for executive functioning (which includes time management, planning and organization) is not fully mature until about 25 years old. So it’s not surprising that the average teen isn’t prepared for independent living.

Yet, parents who take over their teen’s responsibilities for self-discipline and self-motivation undermine the very skills that their child needs to develop most.

he last years of adolescent life in the family are the prime time for teens to learn how to focus, organize and motivate themselves to do the work that will enable them to live independently.

Resist the Urge to Rescue

College advisors report that students are arriving at college with little or no ability to discipline and motivate themselves. Surrounded by all of the temptations of college life, students with poor self-discipline skills struggle. Nearly 30 percent of all first-year college students leave before their second year, not because they aren’t smart enough but because they aren’t mature enough.

The best advice for concerned parents is often the hardest to follow: When your teen faces her future, don’t stand in her way. Don’t rescue, don’t push and don’t manage her or her tasks. Instead, stay involved and supportive while leaving her to develop self-discipline and responsibility.

Here are some other helpful tips for helping your teen develop self-discipline:

Allow your teen to make mistakes. A poor grade for sloppy work or too many unexcused absences, is a good lesson about the real world of work and responsibility. Better to learn the lesson as a teen than as an adult when it is even more critical.

Encourage your teen to set goals for success – even if her goal seems silly or unrealistic to you. Setting and attaining goals is a learning process, and achieving even small goals builds confidence.

Remember that your parenting should focus on preparing your teen for adulthood. Managing her activities and responsibilities leaves her unprepared for independent living.

Help your teen manage media time. Teens need to develop ways of limiting the time they spend using screen media as entertainment. Have your teen manage her media time at home so she can handle similar screen distractions in college.

By following the guidelines above, you can turn your worry and concern into a productive discussion with your teenager. And you’ll be putting the responsibility back on her to take charge of the future.

The following are constructive solutions that provide a supportive alternative for the parents of Jasmine, Susanna and Matthew.

Jasmine, a high school junior, stresses about how much she has to do for school, work and her many extracurricular activities. Instead of managing her daughter’s overcommitted life, Jasmine’s mother should sympathize and ask Jasmine if everything on her to-do list is a priority for her. After talking for a while, Jasmine’s mom should show confidence in her daughter by saying, “I know it’s difficult, but I know you can figure out what is really important to you and what you might be able to drop from your busy schedule.”

Susanna was a bright and curious student in middle school, but now in her senior year of high school, her grades are plummeting. Susanna’s parents explain that they would like her to go to college but that they see her choosing another path for herself. “Is it your intention to end your education with high school?” they ask in a nonthreatening tone.

Matthew is a procrastinator who spends a great deal of time on the computer. Matthew’s parents share their concern with him. Matthew admits that he has a hard time turning away from the computer. His parents ask him what might help him limit his computer time, and Matthew suggests that a timer might be helpful. “That sounds like a good plan,” Matthew’s parents say. “Let’s look for a good timer program and install it this weekend.”

Emory Luce Baldwin is a PEP leader and family therapist.  She will facilitate an Open Forum Counseling session, "Getting Out of the House in the Morning," on October 25, 7-9 p.m., at the Parent Encouragement Program in Kensington.  If your teen is having trouble in this area, register by calling PEP at 301-929-8824.