March 2009
Ages & Stages
Ready for More Responsibility?
Nudging Your Child Toward Self-Sufficiency
By Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if children occasionally announced, “Thanks Mom, but I’d really like to make my own lunch every day,” or, “Now that I’m 10, I’m ready to do my own laundry!” Parenting would be easier if kids would just tell us when they are ready and able to become more independent!
Instead, parents are left to figure out when their children can take on additional responsibility. Sometimes, parents can simply consider a child’s developmental stage. For example, a 3-year-old usually is ready to dress herself and a 6-year-old typically is able to make her own sandwiches.
Another way to know when children are ready to take on more challenging tasks is to pay attention to when they challenge you:
Eight-year-old Matthew stomped into the kitchen with a scowl on his face. “Good morning, sport!” says his father. “We’re having bagels for breakfast. Would you like one, too?” “I don’t like bagels anymore!” Matthew grumbles. “I want you to make me pancakes!”
Ten-year-old Soraya can be heard throughout the house when she yells, “Where are my favorite jeans? I have to wear them today!” “Oh, for heaven’s sake,” her mother thinks to herself. “She just put them in the laundry yesterday! Does she think I’m her personal maid?”
Although some kids are pleasant, most are petulant when they are ready to become more self-sufficient. Much like the Chesapeake crabs that shed their shells when they are ready to grow a larger one, children need to shed their “shells” when they grow bigger. It would help parents understand what is happening if their children could simply say, “I’m feeling crabby today because I don’t like feeling like a little kid!” Unfortunately, most young children don’t have this kind of self-awareness. Instead, they often act grumpy and dissatisfied because they know something isn’t right – but they don’t know what. Instead of pushing for more independence and responsibility, children often get pushy by grumbling, complaining or even by making more demands!
Ready for More Responsibility
Perceptive parents can learn to recognize that children’s complaints are often a signal that they are ready for more responsibility. It is perfectly normal for a child to become impatient when she is dependent upon others to do things she can actually do for herself. When this happens, parents can help their child turn those crabby feelings into empowerment. Sometimes, this can be done with a friendly invitation: “It sounds like you would like to have more say about what you eat for breakfast… would you like me to teach you how to make pancakes?”
Occasionally, a child may be less than enthusiastic about the idea of learning how to do a new task. Yet any child who is capable of complaining about the way a parent is doing something for her is ready and able to take on at least part of that job herself. Even when a child seems reluctant, she will benefit from the confidence and satisfaction that come with obtaining greater independence.
For example, Matthew’s dad could respond to his son’s complaints about bagels by inviting his son to cook pancakes with him the following weekend. They could even make extra pancakes and freeze them for weekday morning breakfasts. Soraya’s mother could invite her to learn how to wash, dry and put away her own jeans. Then Soraya will always know where her jeans are.
Many family squabbles can be prevented when parents recognize that their children’s complaints and bossiness are often a childish bid to feel more grown up. Most children have to learn from experience that growing up comes from learning how to be less dependent upon others, which can only come from learning to be more self-sufficient. When parents learn how to redirect grumbles and complaints into learning new skills and responsibilities, they support their children’s healthy growth and development.
Emory Luce Baldwin is a PEP leader and family therapist. To help children learn responsibility, attend PEP’s “Can Do Kids Fair” on March 15 where young children can demonstrate with pride what they already know how to do and learn some new practical skills as well. For more information, visit www.pepparent.org. Register by calling 301-929-8824.
Learning to be Self-Sufficient!
- Don’t underestimate how interesting it is for children to learn ordinary adult skills, such as cooking and cleaning.
- Use playfulness and fun when teaching new skills. Children naturally enjoy making a game out of routine tasks.
- To maximize your chances of success, work on teaching one new skill at a time.
- Give your child many opportunities to practice a new skill – mastering any skill takes time.
- Be encouraging – mistakes are a normal part of the learning process. Expect burnt pancakes and shrunken clothing!