June 2009
Ages & Stages
Cooperation Without Exasperation:
Parenting Kids With AD/HD
By Sue Clark
Aidan, 8, has yet to take out the trash after three reminders; he’s buried in another video game, oblivious to what’s going on around him.
Isabelle, 9, is pinching her 7-year-old sister in the car, laughing as she shrieks.
It’s time to leave for baseball practice, and 12-year-old Jose’s belongings are strewn all over the house. He is yelling at his mother, “Where’s my mitt?”
15-year-old Elizabeth suddenly remembers that her social studies project is due the next day.
Day after day, parents of children with AD/HD face situations that test the limits of their patience. Well-meaning parents often remind, repeat, nag and eventually yell, wishing there was a better way to get their child to do what needs to get done. Some try behavior modification plans that use incentives to control behavior. While these reward systems sometimes work in the short term, they have the opposite effect over time. They lead to a “What’s in it for me?” mentality rather than an intrinsic desire to cooperate.
Children are more likely to want to cooperate when they feel strong connections to their families and a sense of control over their lives. Children who feel capable and confident believe that they have something of value to contribute. Parents can help children by building a stronger relationship, offering constructive power, helping the children feel competent and finding ways for them to feel needed. And the best part is that it’s all free.
Build a Strong Relationship
Find ways to spend time one-on-one with your child doing things he likes to do, whether it’s building with Legos or drawing horses. A 2004 study published in The Journal of Counseling and Clinical Psychology found that maternal affection or warmth is related to lower rates of AD/HD. Try taking just one week off from nagging, reminding and criticizing and see what happens. Use that time to view things from your child’s perspective.
It’s also important for the whole family to have fun together. Activities as simple as attending an outdoor concert or playing cards build relationships. The positive feelings gained from these experiences go a long way toward helping everyone in the family to cope with the next storm.
Offer Constructive Power
Children are more willing to cooperate when we allow them to solve problems their way. When 6-year-old Luis had trouble getting ready for school in the morning, he came up with the creative idea to shower at night and sleep in the clothes he was going to wear to school the next day. His father thought the idea was silly until he realized that they were able to get out of the house on time without a battle. Thirteen-year-old Carlos and his mother constantly argued over homework not getting done. Carlos figured out that he could study more effectively while listening to music because it filtered out other distractions.
Children with AD/HD need extra practice confronting life’s challenges. We show great faith in our children when we allow them to make mistakes and learn from the consequences of their actions. When 12-year-old Sarah lost her brand-new cell phone, her mother calmly and firmly refused to buy her a new one. Sarah had to save up her allowance money to replace it. Her mother’s actions taught Sarah several important lessons.
Help Children Develop Capabilities
When children feel competent, they are more confident and self-assured. Structure the home environment so that your child experiences success. Checklists, timers, routines and other tools help children with AD/HD stay on task and feel calmer because they have tools around them to help them succeed.
Find opportunities for your child to develop his personal interests and abilities. Children with AD/HD often excel in the performing arts. Adrian, a Rockville parent of twins with AD/HD, found that her daughter had a talent for acting and her son had an ear for music. She started an acting club at her daughter’s elementary school and found an interactive website for her son to learn how to play guitar. Focus on effort and progress, not perfection, by making comments such as, “I noticed that you’ve learned two new guitar chords. Your practice is really paying off.”
Find Ways for Children to Feel Useful
An easy way to gain cooperation from children is to find opportunities for them to feel needed. Ask for help by calmly stating the facts and offering a choice. “I could use your help with dinner. Would you rather set the table or make the salad?” Chores help children develop competence, confidence and self-discipline.
When children use their gifts and passions to help others in the community, they feel an enduring sense of worth. Lori, a Silver Spring mother of two, struggled to help her daughter Abigail. Abigail loved horses but hated anything to do with academics. Lori helped Abigail find a volunteer position at a local barn. Within a few weeks, Abigail’s attitude improved and so did her grades! She is graduating from college this spring with a degree in equine science. When asked about the experience, she remembers it fondly, saying, “My mom never gave up on me.”
As parents, we need to focus our efforts on encouraging children, rather than trying to make them behave a certain way. Like watching hair grow, the changes might seem barely noticeable at first. Then one day we see our children face an obstacle with increased determination. They begin making smarter choices and taking responsibility. That’s when we know that we’ve made a difference.
Remember the C’s. Children cooperate when they feel:
Connected
(in) Control
Capable
Confident
(that they can) Contribute
What to say in the moment:
“Dinner will be served as soon as the trash is out of the kitchen.”
“I’m willing to continue driving as soon as the noise level is reasonable.”
“I will be happy to help you when we’re both calm.”
“I have faith that you’ll do your best. Would a cold glass of water or some iced tea help you to stay focused?”
Sue Clark is a certified parent educator with the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP) in Kensington. She teaches workshops and classes for parents of children with AD/HD. She is also the parent of a teen with AD/HD who is often, but not always, cooperative. For more information about upcoming programs, call PEP at 301-929-8824 or visit www.PEPparent.org.