July 2009
Ages & Stages: Tweens & Teens
Building a Village: The Importance of Connection and Community
By Robbye Fox
A hundred years from now, it will not matter what kind of house I lived in, what kind of car I drove or how much money was in my bank account. What will matter is that I was important in the life of a child. (Anonymous)
Cell phones, Blackberries and computers make it possible to stay in constant contact with our children, practically eliminating the need for backup or emergency contacts. Mostly, this is a good thing. However, it sometimes robs our children of the opportunity to build close relationships with other caring adults.
Results from the first National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health, which began in 1994, show that having connections with other adults improves children’s long-term achievement and happiness. “Strong connections make life feel satisfying and secure, but many of us give most of our time to achievement and daily chores,” writes Edward Hallowell, M.D., in his book Connect: 12 Vital Ties That Open Your Heart, Lengthen Your Life, and Deepen Your Soul. “Give a child a feeling of connection at home and at school and achievement will come,” he says.
In a transient area like Washington, many parents do not have extended family close by to provide surrogate care, act as mentors or be role models for tweens and teens. Aysegul Acar-Dreyer had an abundance of caregivers while growing up in Istanbul, Turkey. Her apartment building housed members of four family generations. To help her daughter Alize receive the benefits of an intergenerational relationship on a smaller scale, Acar-Dreyer has encouraged her to become close with an elderly couple across the street in their Falls Church neighborhood.
“She’ll go there after school to do homework, play instruments and help them with Internet research,” Acar-Dreyer says. As a result, Alize has learned of the couple’s participation in the local civil rights movement and has become more sensitive to the elderly and the challenges they face. She also has a place to turn to for extra support. “They’ve even told her that if she feels like running away from home, she has to come to their house,” Acar-Dreyer says.
What other ways can parents consciously help their children make these important adult connections and discover their own “safe house”?
Identify Your Village Members
Talk with your children about who they turn to for advice. Encourage them to build relationships. Do they have their phone numbers and e-mail addresses? Are they friends with these adults on Facebook? Do they see these adults on a regular basis? Having this conversation lets your child know that you respect her right to have a relationship with other trusting adults.
Grow Your Village
There are many formal and informal ways to increase your child’s connections with adults. “Connection or connectedness is a feeling of being a part of something larger than yourself,” Hallowell says. “It can be friendship, a team, school, a belief system like religion or some other activity.”
Formal connections can be made by exploring your child’s interests. Participating in sports, drama, music, science or community service, or joining organizations, such as Big Brothers Big Sisters, provide opportunities to build relationships.
The Matay family of Great Falls has its own “building a village” idea. Seven families gather for Sunday supper with the distinct purpose of interacting with one another’s kids. “We want our kids to know that there are many adults who are interested in them and care about their well-being,” Kathy Matay says. “We know that there will be times when our own children will feel more comfortable talking to someone--anyone--who is not their parent.”
Let Go While Your Village Grows
Lauren Nahin from Olney is comforted by the close relationship her daughter Ashley has developed with the sponsoring adults of Project Change, a national nonprofit organization founded at Sherwood High School. “I like knowing that she has someone to talk to that knows her really well,” Nahin says.
Likewise, Nahin’s 13-year-old daughter Melissa is especially close to her grandparents in Florida. “She calls them daily and talks with them about all types of things, especially when she’s mad at me,” Nahin says.
Be a Village Member to Others
Surveys by Search Institute found that only about one-third of American teens feel that there are people in their neighborhoods who care about them. Help combat this in your neighborhood and school by taking an interest in the kids in your community.
Wendie Lubic of Northwest Washington meets with a teen regularly to help her prepare college transfer applications. “We meet for coffee, hang out and talk about life,” Lubic says.
Jackie Confrey of Brookeville has been a “Big Sister” through the D.C.-area Big Brothers Big Sisters organization for 20 years, while her sons, ages 13 and 10, both participate as Little Brothers in the program. The relationship with her sons’ Big Brothers became even more critical after Confrey’s husband passed away when the boys were young. “Whoever would have thought that when I became a Big Sister I would some day use the very same organization that I volunteered for 20 years earlier,” Confrey says.
Robbye Fox is a certified parent educator with the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP) and a leader of PEP’s “Thriving with Teens” classes. She appreciates the many adults who comprise the village for her three children. For more information, visit PEPparent.org.
National Night Out: Tuesday, August 4
Build your village by meeting neighbors at the annual National Night Out event. Sponsored by the National Association of Town Watch (NATW), the 26th Annual National Night Out (NNO) is a unique event that takes place in communities throughout the United States and Canada and on military bases worldwide. In 2008, more than 37 million people participated in National Night Out.
NATIONAL NIGHT OUT is designed to:
- Heighten crime and drug prevention awareness;
- Generate support for, and participation in, local anticrime programs;
- Strengthen neighborhood spirit and police-community partnerships and
- Send a message to criminals letting them know that neighborhoods are organized and fighting back.
For more information, visit natw.org/nno.