September 2009
Ages and Stages
Helping Discouraged Students "Grow Their Courage"
By Emory Luce Baldwin, LGCMFT
Melanie Keller sagged against the kitchen counter and fought back tears. She could hear 8-year-old Amy’s angst from the room next door: “I hate school! I can’t do this homework, and you can’t make me! I’m stupid, I’m stupid!” Melanie and her husband Carl had arranged to alternate nights helping Amy with homework. Tonight was his night, and Melanie could hear Carl’s soothing voice, “It’s okay, sweetie. Let’s try again.” Melanie heard Amy scream, “I said I can’t do it!” and the sound of books and papers crashing onto the floor.
“How did we ever sink so low?” Melanie wondered to herself. “Whatever happened to my bright little girl, the one who woke up before dawn all dressed and ready for her first day of kindergarten? She even packed her own lunchbox! Now, Amy hates school and homework. She says she wants to quit school, and she hasn’t even finished the third grade!”
There are many children who, like Amy, are struggling in school. For these children and their families, homework can be a painful ordeal, accompanied by the familiar soundtrack of cajoling, arguing and crying. While many parents make efforts to inspire their children to just do their best, they may continue to see their children sink further into a well of despair. Some children become so discouraged they eventually conclude that they would rather quit school than continue to suffer.
Why do some children struggle? For some, their school problems may be the result of a learning disability, vision or hearing problems, dyslexia, AD/HD, sensory processing disorders or their brain’s inability to make sense of what they see and hear.
Additionally, there are children who have no physical impairments but are discouraged because they want to be a “perfect” student. For instance, Amy’s friend Andrew falls apart whenever he makes a mistake adding numbers or spells a word incorrectly. For perfectionists, every mistake can be a crushing reminder that they are not perfect. Other perfectionists avoid even the slightest risk of failure by quitting early. Jonah, another classmate of Amy’s, found that it’s safer to do less than he is capable of, thereby finding safety in low expectations and lowering the risk of disappointment and embarrassment.
No matter what the reasons are for why a child is struggling in school--biological, emotional or some combination of the two--all children benefit when they learn how to overcome discouragement by “growing their courage bigger.” Almost all discouraged students struggle because they don’t feel good enough. Yet, when these children have the opportunity to grow their courage a bit bigger, they also gain the self-confidence that they are good enough as they are--not perfect, not disabled--but as little people who are capable of learning, growing and improving.
One way to help children grow their courage is to give them plenty of opportunities to be successful outside of school. No child can be successful at everything, but every child needs to experience success in something. Children gain the most courage from learning skills that enable them to be useful and valuable to others. They may not realize it, but practicing such skills as navigating a family trip on the map, making brownies for dessert keeping track of family expenses at the amusement park are all educational experiences.
Home is one of the ideal settings for lessons in growing courage because there are no quizzes, tests or grades. Instead, children can experience the joy of learning and the ability to “make friends with mistakes” when things don’t turn out as expected. It is possible that wrong directions on a family trip may lead the family astray--but the detour may reveal a new scenic treasure along the way. And fortunately, as many of us have found, we can make mistakes when baking brownies and yet they still taste pretty good!
The more a child learns and practices new skills successfully, the greater a child’s courage will grow. The more a child learns not to fear mistakes, but to view them as opportunities to learn, the more the child’s confidence will grow. Courageous and confident children are less likely to melt under the pressure of memorizing spelling words or multiplication tables. Children with more courage and confidence discover that they have what it takes to face the challenges that lie in their path--and that includes school.
Emory Luce Baldwin, LGMFT, is a family therapist and certified parent educator with the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP). PEP offers classes and workshops for parents and caregivers of kids of all ages throughout the year. To view PEP's complete fall schedule, visit PEPparent.org
Helping a Child Grow Her Courage
- Explore new skills, tasks and hobbies where your child can experience success.
- Give your child many opportunities to learn and practice useful skills outside of the classroom.
- Teach your child things that make her (and maybe you, too!) a little nervous so that she stretches herself to tackle difficult tasks.
- Make your home a “mistake friendly” environment--where mistakes are welcomed as interesting learning experiences.
- Value and appreciate hard work--not just high scores.
- Provide your child with many opportunities to learn new information with enjoyment.
- Consider creating regular short “time out from school” safety zones, with no conversation about school.