October 2009
Ages and Stages
Lessons in Letting Go
Preparing Your Teen for a Successful Launch
By Wendie Lubic
Last spring, I watched a family of cardinals from my kitchen window. After the eggs hatched, the parents tended to the babies’ every need. A few days later, in what seemed like a change of heart, the mother and father birds pushed the hatchlings out of the nest. It looked a bit reckless, but from my vantage point as the parent of three college students, I could totally relate.
Parenting is a process of planned obsolescence. From the moment children are born, we teach them the skills they need to be completely independent. Adolescence is a long process of letting go. Unfortunately, many parents don’t realize or prepare for the separation until their child’s senior year of high school.
There are two main developmental tasks for teens--separation and individuation. Teenagers spend their time consciously and unconsciously pushing parents away so they can become their own people. This can feel like rejection for parents who, like my cardinals, have carefully nurtured and met every need from birth to this point. Some parents wonder what happened to the sweet child who ran all the way home from elementary school to tell them everything about her day.
Let’s face it, teenagers can be sullen and uncooperative. But, they can also be smart, helpful and funny. Our job is to socialize and educate them before they go out into the world on their own. The more we give our teens the tools to take care of themselves, treat them with respect and show confidence in their abilities, the more pleasantly they behave. It may seem contradictory, but the less we pamper our teens and the more constructive responsibilities they take on, the easier adolescence is for the whole family.
In September, my youngest child left for college. As the leader of the Parent Encouragement Program’s Preparing to Launch support group, I thought I had prepared myself well. Even so, letting go was hard. Throughout the process, I tried to keep three things in mind:
Parent less, mentor more. As children become teenagers, the role of the parent needs to change. Teens need more guidance and less pampering. Even though you could fill out the college applications or solve the friendship problem for your teen, it is important to hold back and let her do it. If your teen asks for help, provide advice. Letting her handle the problem will build her confidence. Teens whose parents take over for them tend to be more rebellious and less likely to ask for help when they need it.
Enjoy the time you have together. Do things that interest your teen, even if it involves watching the latest hit TV show or going to a sporting event. It will give you something to talk about and a way to connect. It provides an opportunity to hang out with your teen without an agenda. Even teens who are reluctant to spend time with their parents will agree more readily once they realize that there is no hidden purpose. Don’t wait until high school is almost over to schedule time together.
Schedule important discussions. Spending time with your teen can be wonderful, but nothing will ruin a wonderful moment faster than an ill-timed mention of a sensitive subject. Set aside an hour every week to talk about grades, college applications, family values and other concerns you might have. Talk about alcohol, parties, sex and other topics you read about in the news. By using current events as teachable moments, you can reinforce family values, even if your teen acts as though she doesn’t care.
Although letting go is hard during adolescence, it’s crucial to your child’s healthy development. It’s a long process and can be the perfect opportunity to strengthen your relationship with your teen. And she’ll be home again soon enough. Those cardinals come back and visit me from time to time, too.
Wendie Lubic is a certified parent educator and parenting coach. She teaches “Thriving with Teens” for the Parent Encouragement Program in Kensington and runs a monthly support group for the parents of graduating seniors. She is a native Washingtonian and the parent of four teenagers.