October 2009
Honey, I Wrecked the Kids
A Conversation With Alyson Schafer
By Lynne Ticknor, M.A.
Alyson Schafer, a psychotherapist and parenting expert, is the best-selling author of Honey, I Wrecked the Kids (John Wiley and Sons 2009) and Breaking the Good Mom Myth (John Wiley and Sons 2006). Her parenting advice has grabbed the attention of parents across North America, and we are delighted that she is coming soon to the D.C. area. In preparation for her program “Honey, I Wrecked the Kids: When Yelling, Screaming, Threats, Bribes, Time-Outs, Sticker Charts and Removing Privileges All Don’t Work,” we sat down with Alyson to ask her a few parenting questions.
Q: Why does parenting seem so much more difficult than it was for parents of past generations?
A: Historically, we’ve been parenting the same way for generations and generations. There was solidarity in that we were all doing it the same way--in an autocratic style. The autocratic style has one goal—to raise an obedient child by instilling fear and pain or through manipulation. Until recently, there was little consideration for the psychological impact of these tactics. Current research shows that there are negative impacts to the child when parents use punishment and rewards to control behavior. So, in our attempt to abandon the historical model, everyone is struggling to find a new way to raise children. Unfortunately, what many parents have done is gone too far in the other direction and become too permissive. When permissiveness fails, we immediately go back to being autocratic. An exciting part of my book, and the topic of my upcoming talk, is a third type of parenting--democratic parenting.
Q: What is democratic parenting?
A: There is a general misunderstanding of democratic parenting. Democratic parenting is a style that balances freedom with responsibilities. Children are given limited choices to help them learn and experience the consequences of their decisions. When advocates of democratic parenting use phrases such as “social equality” and “mutual respect,” people try to connect the dots and immediately think we are referring to a child-focused form of parenting. To the contrary, democratic parenting takes an incredible amount of fortitude. It requires placing demands on the child to face the challenges of life and to be a cooperative member of the family right from the get-go.
Q: Why are kids more rude today than ever before?
A: Our youth’s rudeness is often an indication that they are unhappy about being treated disrespectfully by adults. In my opinion, it’s a good thing. It means that children and teens aren’t willing to be treated unfairly. When we strip our youth of decision-making and power over their lives, they become resentful. As parents, our challenge is finding ways to provide discipline and guidance while being respectful toward our children. It’s going to take a new set of parenting tools and skills to raise cooperative children in today’s environment.
Q: Your book title says that sticker charts don’t work. Why not?
A: There are two types of kids: Those who will respond to stickers (and punishment) and those who will rebel. The children who rebel don’t care how many M&M’s you give them, they won’t poop in the potty (or do whatever other behavior you are trying to bribe them to do!). In either case, using stickers comes at a cost. Using stickers (or other rewards) creates a self-interested child who always wants to know, “What’s in it for me?” The child begins to think, “If you are going to give me an M&M for pooping in the potty, what are you going to give me for hanging up my coat?” The child only behaves when there’s an external motivator. When we don’t use sticker charts, we start to develop intrinsically motivated children. These children hang up their coats and poop in the potty because it needs to be done, not because it earns them a reward. And that’s better preparation for life.
Q: If parents can’t remove privileges from their children to get them to behave, what should they do?
A: I believe that the only time you can remove a privilege is if it is directly related to the behavior the child has chosen. Sadly, we often take privileges away as a way to punish a child. Punishment doesn’t help children increase their sense of responsibility, and it often damages the relationship between parent and child. If a child forgets to put her bike in the garage, you can take the bike away so she begins to understand that responsibility and privilege go hand-in-hand. Part of the privilege of owning a bike is taking care of it. In other cases, I suggest that parents seek solutions with the child rather than taking away a privilege. Ask the child what can be done about the problem. That way, you get the behavior you want and you strengthen the relationship between the parent and the child. Ultimately, that’s what we all want.
Lynne Ticknor, is a certified parent educator with the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP) in Kensington. She writes frequently about parenting for national and regional publications.
For more information on democratic parenting, attend Alyson Schafer’s program “Honey, I Wrecked the Kids: When Yelling, Screaming, Threats, Bribes, Time-Outs, Sticker Charts and Removing Privileges All Don’t Work.” Learn new ways to raise children who are cooperative, caring and responsible on Wednesday, October 28, 7:30-9:30 p.m. A second program, “Power Struggles: Letting Go of the Rope” will be held on Thursday, October 29, 9:30-11:30 a.m. For tickets, call the Parent Encouragement Program at 301-929-8824.