June 2010
Taking Time Out for Memory-Making
A Father's Perspective
By Micah Hoffman
Today's fathers want a strong connection with their children. They want to have fun with them while they are young and have kids who grow up with happy memories of time spent with Dad. But making that time can be challenging in our highly scheduled days. It seems that each week brings more activities that threaten to pull our attention away from our families.
Last year, I took a look at my rigorous schedule and didn't like what I saw. Most days, I would rush home, gobble my dinner (if I ate at all), kiss the kids good night, hop in my car and speed away to some commitment. That was not the dad I wanted to be. I needed to make some changes in my life and in the ways in which I interacted with my family.
By making a commitment to spend more time with my children and trying out various ideas, I found some techniques that helped me build a closer, more enjoyable relationship with each of my kids.
Invite your child. Did you know that every father-child activity has the potential to make a lasting impression? These "Dad memories" don't have to be grand vacations driving across the country. They can be playing cards, drawing, helping your child with her homework or just hanging out. I remember times when my dad would invite me to watch a Redskins game on TV with him. John Riggins would take to the field, and Dad would yell something like, "Come on, Riggo! Take it to the end zone!" I can't tell you what teams the Redskins played or whether they won or lost. But I remember the elation on Dad's face when they scored a touchdown. I remember my joy that he asked me to be there and share it with him. Kids notice, and these moments make "Dad memories." Now, when I work around the house or run errands, I ask the kids if they want to come with me and make some memories.
Make an appointment. Our kids remember father-child times, and it's important to make sure a child knows that there will be moments when it's just Dad and one child together. To guarantee that I make time for each of my kids, I schedule those times and put them on my calendar. I can take a quick trip to the park with my daughter, or my son and I can spend the time on an activity he likes. Having these appointments helps ensure that I make the time to spend with each child.
Ask for help. When I got my first tool belt stocked with tools and could finally help my dad with the repairs he did around our house, I really felt grown-up. My father taught me how to use a screwdriver, pliers and a ton of other tools. Although I might not do as many household repairs as my dad did, I do other things that my kids can help with. I'm not talking about emptying the trash and cleaning, but rather about doing cool jobs, such as lighting the barbecue grill or using a power tool (both with adult supervision!) or helping me enter appointments in my online calendar.
Drop a note. Back in my overscheduled phase, there were some days when I'd leave the house before anyone else awoke and wouldn't come home until all were fast asleep. While those were long days for me, I still left a little of myself behind to show my family that I cared. Before walking out the door in the morning, I wrote a sentence or two about how, "I can't wait to hear what you did in music today," or, "I'm looking forward to your helping me paint the bathroom tonight." Then I'd tuck these "encouragement time bombs" into my kids' lunchboxes or next to their toothbrushes (which I hoped they would use each morning). During their busy days, they would find a little surprise while performing their daily routines and know that I was thinking of them.
Ask about their lives and creations. When a child shows you a picture she made or tells you something about her day, you can always ask for more information. Open-ended questions, which cannot be answered with "yes" or "no," allow a child to express herself and share her thoughts, feelings and experiences. For example, one day after dinner I heard, "Daddy! At school today I made this picture just for you!" My daughter glowed as she handed me a colorful, abstract painting. Studying the shapes and designs, I couldn't make heads or tails of it. But, instead of saying, "That's nice, sweetie," and putting it aside, I asked, "Can you tell me more about this picture?" "Sure Daddy. That black line is you, and this orange line with the dress and shoes is me! And we're holding hands because we love each other. And you're holding the picture upside down." I looked at her elementary school masterpiece and, rotating it, saw that we were drawn on the page holding hands and smiling. I turned to her and said, "Thanks for sharing this with me and for including me in your picture!" And another "Dad memory" was made.
Regardless of how many things a father has on his busy schedule each day, there are always ways we can encourage our children and let them know we are thinking of them. This Father's Day and each day after, go and make some "Dad memories." Enjoy your family and have a Happy Father's Day!
Creating "Dad Memories"
- Put appointments on your calendar to spend time with each family member (and keep them!).
- Do random acts of thoughtfulness.
- Write an encouraging note.
- Ask for your kids' help.
- Teach your kids an "adult" skill they don't know.
Micah Hoffman is a parent educator with the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP) who enjoys spending time with his wife, 9-year-old son and 7-year-old daughter. PEP offers parenting classes and workshops for parents and caregivers of kids of all ages throughout the year. For more information, visit PEPparent.org.