July 2010
Ages & Stages
Talking With Teens
Finding the Words for Tough Topics
By Wendie Lubic
We have all been there. You really want to talk to your teen about something, but you can't find the words. Maybe the topic is embarrassing. Maybe she has told you directly, "Stop talking to me about it!" or indirectly by shrugging, starring blankly or turning away, that she doesn't want to talk to you. Maybe you are afraid she will reject your advice or your values outright, so why bother?
It wasn't this way when our children were young. Then, we didn't hesitate to tell them how to cross a street or to stay away from a hot oven. But as we watch our children morph into adolescents, we might have a harder time finding the words. This is especially true when we try to talk about tough issues like alcohol, drugs and sex.
Some parents wonder if the "parent advice talk" is even necessary anymore. Haven't teens learned everything they need to know from school health classes and the Internet? Is our information even accurate? What more can we tell them?
How will you know if you don't initiate the conversation?
The connection and communication necessary for a good conversation will happen when you keep these three points in mind: Be Brief. Be Prepared. Be Available.
Be Brief
The need for brevity is pretty obvious. Teens and parents are often pulled in so many different directions that it seems like a miracle when they get a chance to have a meal together. So don't think of any important conversation as a, "Do it and now we're done" event. Talks about sex and drugs should be ongoing, starting as early as when a child is 11 or 12 and then revisited at frequent intervals.
But how to start? This is the point that stops most parents. They might have an idea of what they want to say, but just starting the conversation is daunting. Use "teachable moments," such as Tiger Woods's infidelity, drunk driving accidents or story lines from your teen's favorite TV show. Be aware of what she is watching and reading and the latest gossip at school. These all provide great opportunities for talking about topics in a less personal way.
Find a time when your teen is likely to be receptive and you won't get interrupted. You might be exhausted late at night, but chances are your teen is going to be more willing to listen then to what you have to say. Another time that often works well is when you are in the car alone together. Neither of you can escape, nor do you have to make eye contact. An effective conversation doesn't take a long time. It can be just a few minutes, as long as both parties are receptive and relaxed.
Be Prepared
This is really your first step: Think through what you want to say. This should include your family values stated in a way that is open and nonjudgmental. Tell your teen what you expect without lecturing or criticizing. Emphasize that her safety and happiness are what is most important to you.
Teens want to know what the limits are although they will never say so. Be open to listening to your teen's opinions and feelings as well. She might not agree with you, but she probably has thought a lot about where she stands.
And, because teens have ready access to a world of electronic information, make sure that you have your facts straight, too. Check out reputable websites and books (see box) to keep yourself up to date on the latest information. If your teen believes you are a good source of reliable information, she will come back and ask you questions when she is ready.
Be Available
The final step is to make sure you are available for those follow-up conversations. Whether late at night, in the car, or somewhere else, make the effort to connect with your teen on a regular basis. Be available for family meals. Teens who regularly eat with their parents feel more connected and are more likely to share their concerns. Make it your goal to become what author Deborah Roffman calls an "askable parent," someone who doesn't shy away from talking about tough topics. You will know you are successful when you hear your teen say, "Let's ask my mom. She'll know the answer!"
10 Helpful Tips for talking with children about any difficult topic:
- Begin talking about values early.
- Use teachable moments to start conversations.
- Timing is everything.
- Create an open environment where anything can be discussed.
- Be knowledgeable about the facts.
- Listen to your child.
- Try to be honest.
- Be patient.
- Use everyday opportunities to talk.
- Talk about it again. And again.
For further information:
The Naked Roommate: And 107 Other Issues You Might Run Into in College, Harlan Cohen (Sourcebooks, 2009)
How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish (HarperCollins, 2006)
Sex and Sensibility: The Thinking Parent's Guide to Talking Sense About Sex, Deborah M. Roffman (Da Capo Press, 2001)
Yes, Your Teen is Crazy!: Loving Your Kid Without Losing Your Mind, Michael J. Bradley (Harbor Press, 2003)
When Things Get Crazy with Your Teen: The Why, the How, and What to Do Now, Michael J. Bradley (McGraw-Hill, 2009)
Wendie Lubic is The College Lady, an independent college consultant. She is a certified parent educator and teacher of "Thriving with Teens" for the Parent Encouragement Program in Kensington (www.PEPparent.org). A native Washingtonian, she is the parent of four teenagers.