October 2010
Winning the Whining Wars
By Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT
After rushing to finish her work early, Marta arrives with her son at the pediatrician's office for his 4-year-old checkup. Checking in with the receptionist, she learns that the doctor is running late and they will have to wait another 30 minutes. "At least," Marta thinks, "there is lots of kid stuff here to keep Tomas entertained."
After a few minutes with the toys, however, Tomas complains that he is bored and wants to go--now.
"No, we can't."
"I don't wanna stay here, Mami. Wanna go now, Mami, now!" says Tomas, in a petulant sing-song.
"Stop it!" Marta replies, a bit more sharply. "You're talking like a baby. Go play with the toys over there."
"Wanna go now, Mami, wanna go now, Mami," Tomas continues to drone, his voice even more irritating.
"Stop whining!" Marta repeats, impatiently. She tries to distract him by opening one of the children's books. This seems to work for a few minutes, until Tomas begins to complain again.
"The book is dumb, Mami. I wanna go . . . I wanna go . . . "
A Most Annoying Sound
The buzz of a mosquito, the screech of a power drill, the scratch of fingernails on a chalkboard--parents compare their children's whining to the most annoying sounds ever heard. No wonder mothers and fathers feel so irritated with whiny children and try so hard to get their children to . . . Just. Stop. Whining!
As annoying as it is, not all whining is equal. Sometimes young children are genuinely fretful or uncomfortable because they are very tired or feeling sick or may be frightened. At such times, it is normal for children to ask for soothing and comfort in a more baby-like way than usual. This type of whining is rare, though, and can be quieted quickly with some well-placed cuddles and kisses.
Truly troublesome whining is different. This is the exaggerated and irritating complaining that a child uses to create a show of phony distress and gain the parent's attention. Whining, like all misbehavior, serves a purpose. The whiny child is exaggerating, creating drama and intensity by using a cranky and disagreeable voice that cannot be ignored. A child may whine about a problem, but the whining is a not for the purpose of solving the problem. The only purpose accomplished through whining is to annoy the parent and keep the parent busy attending to the child.
The Solution
Therein lies the solution. Make it your family policy not to grant any request that is made with a whiny voice. One clever mother always pretended to be deaf when her children whined, tapping her ears dramatically and wondering out loud whether there was a magic spell making her unable to hear. Her children responded first with surprise and then with giggles. Limits on whining can be upheld in fun ways, as well as firm ones.
"Whining Doesn't Work" is a practical family policy and an effective way to discourage whining in your home. It works well when children are taught appropriate ways to ask for what they want and courteous ways to complain about things they don't like. These are lessons your children will enjoy learning, especially when you teach them in a playful manner.
Four-year-olds love drama and are captivated by theatrical demonstrations of courtesy and respect. You might instruct your child in "royal etiquette" by saying, "Princess Daisy, when you ask the royal King for his help, you must do so politely. Such as, ‘Father dear, would you grant me the favor of your assistance?' "Curtseys and bows and other flourishes add to the fun of these lessons.
Children also can be taught how to complain courteously. "Cowboy Zachary, you better talk real nice to the cook, or else she might just quit the cattle drive! How ‘bout sayin', ‘Pardon me, Ma'am. But I'd sure appreciate it if you made my pancakes bigger, please.'"
Of course there will always be times when a fretful child doesn't want to be cheered into politeness or playfully encouraged to be courteous. Even so, an unhappy child can be offered the choice of winning your attention in useful rather than useless ways.
"Tomas, I need your help," says Marta. "Next Sunday is your grandmother's birthday, and I want to make her a special dinner. But I can't remember--what kind of cake is her favorite? And what kind of ice cream does she like? Can you give me your advice?"
Learning to Cope
Finally, every child must learn how to cope with small irritations and big problems in life. Whining is often a young child's response to dissatisfaction and discomfort. But in the long run, children need to discover that they have the strength and resilience to deal with tough situations and hard times. Every child, even an unhappy child who has something to whine about, can be encouraged to remember that he has what it takes to face his problems courageously.
"Yes, Tomas, it is hard to wait when you want to go home. But I remember other hard things you have done, too. I guess that a boy who could learn how to put his face in the water and blow bubbles like you did last summer can also learn how to wait even when he doesn't want to. What do you think?"
Tips for Minimizing Whining
- Adopt a "Whining Doesn't Work" policy for your family. Ask your child if he would like to try his request again without whining.
- Teach your child how to make requests and complaints appropriately. Have fun with playful demonstrations of courtesy.
- It's natural to want to complain right back to a whiny child, but listen to your own tone of voice. Be careful not to whine about how much you dislike whining.
- Remember that every child can eventually learn to face difficulties and discomfort with patience and fortitude. Whiny children respond better to encouragement than to criticism or pity.
Emory Luce Baldwin is a family therapist and certified parent educator with the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP). PEP offers classes and workshops for parents of children of all ages, including "Setting Limits for Young Children" on October 24. For information on PEP's fall schedule, visit PEPparent.org or call 301-929-8824 or 703-242-8824.