December 2010
School Counselor's Corner
Teaching Your Kids the Fine Art of Friendship
By Erin Mantz
In some violent neighborhoods of Chicago, preteens are so fearful of their safety they don’t form stable friendships at school—most don’t even use the word “friend,” according to a recent University of Chicago study involving high-poverty elementary schools there. Here in the suburbs of Montgomery County—and in the upper-middle-class enclave of Potomac—many grade-school kids are bonding easier, and over simple things, such as the love of a certain Wii game, soccer, Harry Potter or drama club. But while these factors set the stage for socializing, issues and challenges still arise in different ways. This month, we speak with school counselor Nancy Averill from Wayside Elementary School in Potomac, to learn more.
Q: Do schools and parents need to teach kids what a “good friend” is?
A: I believe that schools and parents do need to teach what a good friend looks like and sounds like. Students need to feel connected in order to be able to relax and learn, so we spend lots of energy teaching the skills related to making and keeping friends. This occurs at Wayside in the classroom regularly, in guidance class, in small groups as needed and with individuals as needed.
Q: What kinds of friendship programs and skills are taught at Wayside?
A: Conflict resolution and making/keeping friends are topics I address each year in guidance lessons at every grade level. I also address things like bully prevention, anger management, communication skills and peer pressure to help students understand that their behaviors and reactions affect relationships. We discuss specifics, such as ways to be a friend, communication skills, conversation tips, listening skills, being happy for others, being less competitive or bossy, being optimistic, being flexible and doing what others want to do. The Wayside staff is trained to hold class meetings that allow for class problem solving. Many teachers set aside time each week, or a couple of times a month, to address issues and teach social skills.
Q: Is it true that some kids simply make friends easier than others? If so, is it because a child is more of an introvert versus an extrovert?
A: Children vary in their needs related to friendship. While some seek one best friend, others are happy with many friends and enjoy different friends each day. This variance can cause stress for children as the expectations they have for the peers are not always met. Socializing can be stressful and time consuming, and being by themselves or watching others allows them time to relax and decompress.
Q: Do you hold any groups for kids struggling with friendship issues?
A: Friendship lunch bunches are a regular occurrence. New students are the focus at the beginning of the year, allowing them the opportunity to get to know their classmates on a more intimate level. All students who need support can self refer, and I will work with them to plan a lunch or recess intervention. Often, parents or teachers clue me into the issues, and I will follow up. Lunch bunches happen by grade during lunch and sometimes cross grades, but not usually. Parents will alert me to the fact that their child is feeling left out or struggling. Then, I will intervene after meeting with the student, and we make a plan—usually to have lunch bunch with friends, people they need to problem solve with or people they want to get to know better.
Q: Are there any red flags parents should notice as far as indications their child may be having trouble making friends or dealing with friends?
A: Listen to your kids. Monitor, but don’t overreact. Kids will often say they “don’t have any friends,” and this is not usually the case. If there is a persistent pattern of talk, let the teacher/ counselor know and they can help monitor.
Q: How can a school counselor or parent help a child improve his social skills?
A: The preventative approach with teaching the developmental skills over the years meets the needs of most students. When a student needs more support, small group or individual supports are appropriate. Working on the skills that affect relationships, such as communication skills, reactivity to peers, conflict resolution and the basics of being a good friend, help the students who need support to connect easier. Role-playing and predicting future issues help the students make progress with specific skills. The students often need to be given the words to say in more difficult situations. I often consult with staff so they can monitor the skills we are working on and support the student in the classroom. This is the best test—to see if the skills practiced in my office transfer into the classroom, which is the ultimate goal.
Q: What kinds of friendship issues arise in 3rd graders, 4th graders or 5th graders? And do you see differences between issues boys face versus ones that girls face?
A: Each grade level brings new challenges with socialization. The students at Wayside have lots of knowledge with problem solving by the time they reach these grades, and they are great at using the strategies. The biggest issue with the boys in these grades is the competitive nature—their need to calm down in order to play safe. Many kids play competitive sports, and they have a hard time playing with kids from all levels. The boys who are less inclined to play basketball or soccer have fun on the equipment and playing group games or tag. The options are wide, so students can find their spot, sometimes with my guidance. The girls struggle with finding a group that fits their socialization style and often are stuck if they continually seek a group that doesn’t respond. I work with the girls to have confidence and respect themselves enough so they do not compromise their goals and behavior. It is an ongoing effort. Both boys and girls need reminders to empathize.
Q: Are cliques forming by 3rd or 4th grade? For boys and girls?
A: Because Wayside has low mobility rate, we do have groups of students who have been friends since preschool. The boy cliques tend to be sports-related, and again the competitive nature of these groups can create a sense of exclusiveness. The girl cliques are encouraged to keep their private playdates for after school and the weekends, and most of the time this is not a problem. We do have girls who like to pair off and leave others out; we deal with this on a case-by-case basis and use empathy training to try to help the kids see each other’s points of view. We remind them of the rule that recess is a time for everyone to be included.
Q: How well should a parent know her son’s/daughter’s friends in 4th or 5th grade? Is it too soon to worry about the kind of kids they hang out with and peer pressure—or not?
A: I believe all parents should be involved in the social lives of their kids. Staying connected and in the loop lends itself for parents to have teachable moments. Parents need to encourage their kids to use strategies to solve problems and to use their resources at the school if they are having difficulty. As with all things, parents need to help steer their children in the direction of making healthy choices, including who they spend their time with.
Q: What is your advice about after-school playdates?
A: In general, students need down time, time to be creative and imaginative, not always a planned activity. There is no prescribed right or wrong, because each child has different needs and the parents must provide a balance based on the individual child. I do encourage playdates for kids who are feeling disconnected, because the private playdate allows time for kids to really get to know each other, and that transfers into school, allowing the students to feel part of the group. Children today are very busy with their schoolwork and after-school activities, which makes the playdate concept more challenging. I encourage parents to take the lead from their child and plan playdates based on the child’s wishes. Some children benefit from the down time of not always having to socialize. This is why some students can look disconnected on the playground.
Q: Over the course of your 18 years at Wayside, have you seen friendship issues change, noticed any trends or developed any special concerns about kids and friendship today?
A: Developmentally, the social issues have stayed consistent. The biggest change has been the fact that kids are very programmed now and free play is not a regular part of their day. This phenomenon has changed the way parents and schools support kids with being problem solvers when adult supervision is not immediate. Kids are amazing and resilient. I have seen the students at Wayside go above and beyond for kids in need, reach out to the lonely, make efforts to change their own behaviors and support their friends who are struggling. Their nature is ultimately to be kind and caring, and although the stresses of today can make life difficult, kids continue to shine and amaze me. They make me laugh every day!
Erin Mantz is a writer in Potomac. erinmantz.com