People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing. - Will Rogers
When my daughter became a teenager, our battles occurred almost daily—until I visited my dentist.
Apparently, part of my response to the arguments was to grit my teeth, which I did so hard and so often that I cracked a tooth. The pain and expense of a root canal led me to some valuable self-examination.
It was time to end the reactive routine my daughter and I had established. But how? It had to be her fault—her older brother and I never fought like that. She was the one out of control and looking to pick fights about homework, chores, money, etc. If she would just do what I asked, we’d get along fine!
That was my first misconception. As an emerging adult, it wasn’t her job to “just do what I asked.” She was entitled to her own opinions and choices and even to make her own mistakes. If I wanted her to be prepared to live on her own in a few years and still be willing to have a relationship with me, I would have to back off. In fact, the behavior I needed to control was my own. While I couldn’t control her actions, I could control my reactions and model for her what adult behavior looks like.
Understanding Anger
As I learned more about anger, I discovered what I really felt was scared and frustrated by my lack of control. My little girl was growing up, and my approval of her choices was the last thing she worried about. Moreover, she was struggling with her own life issues and changes, and she was taking her fears and frustrations out on the person she perhaps trusted the most—me. All of this had me scared —for her big decisions and challenges and for who I would be once my children no longer needed me. Rather than face my primary emotions of fear and frustration, I found it easier to hide behind the secondary emotion of anger. And my daughter was following my lead, masking her own fear and frustration the same way.
Understanding Adolescence
As teens work through their developmental tasks of individuating and separating, they are trying to figure out who they are apart from us, while questioning their relationships, purpose and abilities. They do this while spending each day in the breeding ground for judgment—high school—where they are “graded” on everything from hair and dress to academic performance, athletic ability, musical and artistic talent, and even their friends.
Adolescents also undergo rapid brain reorganization, primarily throughout the prefrontal cortex, the “CEO” of the brain, which can wreak havoc on their thinking and emotional processes. This, combined with their raging hormones, is why Yes, Your Teen is Crazy! author Michael Bradley writes, “By neurological definition, adolescents are temporarily ‘crazy’ with unfinished brains that lack many of the crucial components and capabilities of adults.”
Understanding Letting Go
To help my daughter navigate through her “crazy” teen years, I needed to let go and give her more control over her life. This included “smaller” stuff such as how she kept her room or spent her allowance. As Hal Runkel, author of ScreamFree Parenting, says, “Don’t call it ‘their’ room if you’re going to tell them how to keep it.” It also included “bigger” stuff such as schoolwork. Of course, I wanted her to develop skills for adulthood, but if that development didn’t include college, that was her choice. This was risky, but I recognized that school had to become important to her—not me—for her to start taking it seriously.
On issues big and small, I stopped “grabbing the rope” that leads to a power tug-of-war. When she would say something that used to send me into a rage, I stopped listening to her actual words lest I be tempted to debate her. Instead, I would make one of two useful responses: “Mmmmm” or “Huh.” This nonresponse would seem to let the air out of her balloon, and her anger and resistance would subside. She learned that tug-of-war isn’t fun when there’s no one pulling the other side of the rope, while I learned that “winning” did not require having the last word.
As I talked less, she talked more. The less I stated my opinions, the more she asked for them. By making open-ended responses such as “What’s your plan for getting that done?” or “Tell me more about that,” I gave her more decision-making power.
Understanding Respectful Boundaries
There were still boundaries, but I worked to communicate them more respectfully and well in advance whenever possible. She knew the limits around issues of health and safety and the impending consequences of violating those limits. Runkel calls this “letting the consequences do the screaming.” If teens know in advance the consequences for violating limits regarding driving, curfews or the use of drugs and alcohol, they are less likely to make bad choices. My calmer demeanor made her more comfortable talking with me, sometimes about pretty sensitive subjects.
The reward for changing my behavior? My daughter now attends college 740 miles away and successfully negotiates classes, money, medical issues and the many other challenges of college. Her dorm room is cleaner than her room at home ever was.
Not only did I save the rest of my teeth, but more importantly I saved our relationship.
The ABCDs of Anger Management
Awareness: Be aware of physical signs of your anger—clenched fists or teeth, changed voice. Examine your underlying emotion; frustration, sadness and fear are some common primary emotions.
Back off: Leave the room, count to 100, focus on breathing, use positive self-talk, or picture yourself somewhere calm and happy.
Consider Choices and Consequences: Whatever the problem, blowing up at the person involved is like throwing gasoline on a fire and solves nothing. Model the behavior you would like your teen to exhibit by keeping your emotions in check and focusing on the needs of the situation.
Decide and Do: Evaluate your choices and act calmly to solve the problem. If it ever feels like your adolescent’s anger is controlling your household or you fear she will inflict harm on herself or someone else, seek professional help.
Robbye Fox is a certified parent educator with the Parent Encouragement Program, which offers classes and workshops on topics such as anger management and parenting teens. PEPparent.org